Every rose has a Diamond thorn
by Thedarkprofile
Summary: Kendall begins to have feelings for James, but when Kendall lies and cheats will anyone be okay? Rated mature for reasons
1. The first scar

The lights of our room gently flickered on and harshly lit rays seeped through my eyelids. Opening a single eye to crack I peered to the right; nothing, but when to the left I saw the culprit of my abrupt and rude awakening. Of course James was awake early; today was supposed to be special according to his horoscope and of course James assumed that would be his mighty maiden to sweep him off his feet like the damsel in distress he was. Considering I was normally the first up and him almost last, right in front of Logan, I was impressed; he really was serious about this whole thing. James had always been serious like that ever since I could remember. Ever since I could remember actually; it had been James and I.

Kendall and James, ever since first grade when Jame's had first started public school and had stupidly ran onto the ice rink and almost got flattened by the hockey team. He would of if it weren't for the fact I had noticed him and pulled him out a few seconds in good time. I don't know what it was that made me notice him. Thoughts flooded through my brain; I remember loving the way his forehead wrinkled in folds of worry lines when someone tried to touch his hair, the way he got serious when it came to singing, the way... Well you get the idea; just average friend stuff, nothing more.

_**Flashback**_

_I was sitting in class; full of jumbles of conversations pouring and flying above my head; I listened half mindfully as Carlos went on about how he thought maybe wearing a helmet at all times would be the best thing for his naturally reckless ways. Thinking back now I should of payed more attention and advised him against it, but I couldn't help but think something about today was different. Don't ask me what or who, because I don't know, just know it was different. Then suddenly the smell of body spray filled my nostrils and I was in a state of euphoria. Looking around the room I saw where the smell originated. A kid around my age stood at the door and smiled as their eyes made contact with my own. The teacher coughed and looked over the class calling the kid to the blackboard. This kid, I still wasn't sure if it was a boy a girl and either way I was finding myself drawn in. Maybe it was his girlish smell, or his eyes, but I will never be sure. _

_ "Class," the teacher, who's name I can not remember for the life of me said, "care to introduce yourself to your future comrades?" She smiled and nodded encouragingly to the kid._

_ "Hi my name is Jamie," the kid said with a blush struck across the face._

_ "And where are you from Jamie?" the teacher prodded trying to draw more out of the child._

_ "My house," Jamie said looking at the teacher with an expression reading, "are you an idiot", "duh."_

_ The teacher chuckled and patted Jamie on the head, "Why don't you take that seat next to Kendall?" she asked a smile on her face. Of course, once again I was the welcoming committee, as always._

_ Jamie walked past Jenna, Tami, Carlos, and finally to the seat on my right in a process that seemed to take forever. Jamie was the cutest person, guy or girl, I had ever seen and I knew I had to be friends with him/her. _

_ "Hi," the kid said sitting next to me, "I'm James... If you didn't hear me the first time..." he rolled his eyes and smiled in a teasing matter, but still with a sense of superiority. _

_ "I'mth Kendall niceth to meet you," I said with the lisp I had obtained from loosing about 5 of my teeth in a month of hockey practice, "do you like hockey?"_

_ Jamie giggled slightly at my lisp and shook his head, "What's hockey?"_

_ Carlos spun glaring with surprise and anger and together we said, "What's hockey," we almost screamed passion blazing and dancing like fire in our eyes, "only the best sport in the world!"_

_ The kid shrugged brushing his hair with a comb conveniently located in his pocket, "I don't do sports." Carlos turned devastated and I just rolled my eyes, 'Great I was put in charge of a girl, now I was going to get cooties'_

_ The rest of the class I kept talking to minimum as I had assumed this friendship wasn't going to work. Then finally it was recess and I was in my skates and already on the ice playing with five other guys. I was out of my head, losing my game. All I could do the whole time was glance at the kid, Jamie, and wonder why I was so attracted to that kid. Shaking my head I went back to the game trying to keep it together. When suddenly, I saw him spinning on one foot on the ice and Carlos was barreling head first into Jamie, chasing a puck. I automatically swept in like a super hero and grabbed Jamie off his feet just a few seconds before Carlos crashed into the ice causing a huge dent. If Jamie had still been there I doubt he would have been tomorrow. Jamie started shaking uncontrollably and cried into my shoulder. "Your a girly guy you know that?" I said finally realizing he was in fact a boy as his firm body pressed against mine._

_ He smiled up at me and laughed a single tooth missing from his grin, "I'm James," he said, as I put him down to the ground as I set him back to the ground. He shook my hand and asked something that would change my life for good, "Be my friend?"_

_**End flashback**_

Suddenly I had that tingle in my crotch area, you know, the kind that tells you, you really have to piss. So I quickly jumped out of bed, my eyes finally adjusting to the light, and knocked quickly on the blue bathroom door. James's voice replied to my constant knocks with an, "Almost done!" I scooted back and forth, doing what my mother called the "potty dance" I could feel the urine climbing closer to being out of me every second. I screamed, "Hurry the fuck up!' pushing against the door as if it would make time fly any faster. It worked though and suddenly our bathroom door opened and I ran into James. My face flushed rose red and my palms began to sweat as I felt the towel, the only thing between me and his naked body, slipping. I felt his pelvis pushing hard against my own and almost grinding me sub consciously while trying to keep the towel up in those few seconds. When grabbed his towel back up I already felt my member beginning to perk up in my boxers and beg for release. Now at this moment I noticed every crevice in between his rock muscles and the way his back arched naturally further than any man I've ever seen.

Shaking off these thoughts I quickly hopped back a bit grabbing a pillow from my bed and hugging it close against my body, hoping it didn't look to obvious. "I'm going to the bathroom..." I said, ignoring James's look of question and rushing into the bathroom, not waiting for an okay or anything to my previous statement. 'What the fuck was that?' I thought, I didn't have feelings for James, I mean I know the male population get aroused easily, but not that easily to the point where it is your best friend. I quickly locked the door behind me and climbed into a freezing cold shower to take care of my problem.

I peaked out of the bathroom door making sure no one was there before spinning and slamming it close. After locking the door, I opened my dresser and quickly picked out a my clothing not caring whether they matched. Luckily for me it did as I pulled out a red statement tee reading exactly how I felt "fuck off" and a pair of black denim skinny jeans. When I walked out of the room, James's eyes locked on me as I avoided them and his head cocked to the side almost asking about earlier. Despite my attempts to seem nonchalant I blushed and looked away again walking toward Logan and Carlos, who were fighting about wether or not the abominable snowman existed.

I smiled sitting down next to them on the orange couch, "Hey guys." I said completely ignoring James as he sat next and stared at the back of my head.

Logan nodded and smiled, while Carlos raised an eyebrow at me questioningly. "You took a bit in the bathroom." Carlos observed half jokingly, half serious. I bit my lip to keep myself from blushing, though I'm sure if anyone were to look at my ears they would be strawberry red.

I clucked my tongue and did what I do best, lied, " You know I was trying to compete with James at a looking good contest."

Carlos smirked with an unbelieving expression struck across his face, "Well, we all know who the winner is," he said nodding at James who smiled one of the amazing smiles you could ever imagine. Then he leaned in to whisper to me, "Cause you know, no offense, but you look like shit." I slapped him playfully and ignored as Logan gave me an irritated glare.

"I still don't think the abominable snowman is real." Logan said with a sigh that turned into a smirk as he won back Carlos's affection and attention.

Mom walked out at that moment to notify us that she and Katie would be back later and that their was a casserole in the fridge. We all thanked her and when she left agreed on pizza. Then the phone rang and we were notified that the limo was out front and we had to be at the studio in exactly ten minutes.

I had decide at that point; I was going to continue to ignore James and perhaps sort something out in my head, but it was hard once we got to the recording studio. James and I shared a mic, since we were about the same height, and his arms kept brushing against mine and sometimes I could feels his breath against my ear. And worst of all his voice still took my breath away. He kept asking, or at least tried asking me about the morning incident.I couldn't speak though, but no only because I was ignoring him, but because every time I tried talk beyond the lyrics in front of me I turned the color of a sunset, literally.

After what seemed like forever we were finally released by a Gustavo who was still trying to force down a smile. I danced with excitement and ran out of the recording studio. "I call the pool," I exploded with excitement and quickly added when I saw James putting on his "pool glasses", "toy myself!" I ignored James's saddened look and ran to the limo sitting down nest to Kelly and sliding my feet across the whole seat forcing the other guys to fit in across from us. Kelly looked me with an obvious suspicion and swatted my feet off the seat. And to my dismay, that I showed on my face with a grimace, she invited James to sit with us.

When the car slowed and we all got out I began to walk toward the pool. Then suddenly stopping me in my tracks, James grabbed my hand. I quickly smacked and ignored the tingling feeling dancing across my hands. As I half-walked, half-ran to the pool, I couldn't help but look back and I saw two Hazel eyes wide in wonder. Then I walked away not to turn back again.

I lounged by the pool and smirked as I watched Logan being chased by Camille, who was apparently auditioning for True Blood. I also half heartedly smiled at Jo as she flirted with me from the other side of the pool, beckoning me to join her. I smiled politely and equally as so shook my head; nodding toward the sun and then pointing to the umbrella above my chair. She sighed in dismay and turned back to talking to one of the Jennifers. I closed my eyes pretending I was still asleep that morning and the beating down rays of the sun were those of the light from my bedroom. Before I knew it I was asleep.

_James was sitting in front of me; his boxers and socks the only clothing his hot, ripped body. This body, twisted and contoured into submission; with his head against the bed and back in the other direction. His sweet ass checks pointing toward me in a pleading lust. I complied of corse and puled down his boxers. I licked my lips and grabbed that tight ass thrusting my throbbing member into him. I moaned and felt James shudder against me, urging me to thrust faster. "Kendallllll," he moaned his body jerking in pleasure. "Kendall!" a voice that wasn't James' yelled. _Then something slapped me across the face and I jolted up sitting on the orange couch in the apartment with Carlos looking down on me.

I still wasn't sure how I got up here when Carlos asked, "Having a good dream?"Nodding down to my excited friend creating a slight tent in my pants. I blushed as he continued, "You talk in your sleep."

I turned five shades of red and stuttered over, "I-uh can explains."

Carlos smiled and said, "Don't worry man, I won't tell anyone you have the hots for you know who."

Then a voice known all too well behind us asked, "Hot for who?"

I whipped around and saw James smirking quizzically at us, as I turned even brighter. Carlos's eys also filled with and he quickly covered for me saying, "Jo of course."

James rolled his eyes with a smile and said, "If that is your big secret you suck at hiding it."

I stayed silent as mouse, as my vocal cords came to halt my face a million colors. I stood up and walked toward the room ignoring James's attempt to pat my back in a sense of humor we both shared. I walked in and slammed the door waiting for the bang I needed to hear to satisfy my mind, but someone caught it. I sighed and kept on walking toward my bed. As I went to fall down in a defeated ball I was caught just as the door had been only moments ago. The strong hands spun me and turned me toward their owner, hazel eyes filled with hurt and confusion. I blushed as I felt his warmth against my bare skin and those images from dream rushed over me. I attempted to slap away the hand only to be pinned against the wall. James looked me in the eyes and mouth words a few times in sullen whispers, sending shivers down my spine. Only to say them out loud a moment later, "Why have you been avoiding me all day?"

I tried look away, but James caught my jaw and forced me to stare him in the eyes. Attempting to thaw out my vocal cords, I spoke, "I-I" or well at least tried.

He looked at me with seriousness, and confidence I wish I felt myself, but even more so comfort that had come from me till the age of ten and from him then on as he grew taller and stronger, "You can tell me." He had used this comforting appeal the same way when my parents divorced and It almost worked the same way it had back then.

But James's body was too close and I knew if he stayed like this for much longer I might explode. So, I did what I do best, lied. "I don't want to be around you right now, anymore, ever." I whispered stumbling over my own words trying to keep a serious look across my face

Hurt smacked across his features and hurt filled his smoldering eyes. I felt my heart shatter and fall like dust around my stomach which flipped and flopped in sadness, "Fine." He almost yelled turning around and walking out. He slammed the door and I heard that bang I had been hoping for to make it all better, but it only made it worse. Now all I had left to do was think.

**A/n: should I continue this? Let me know please.**

**Edit: I rewrote this to get back into the groove please enjoy :D**


	2. A day with Carlos

The next day was filled with utter awkwardness. I was avoiding everyone and James mostly stayed in the room on his bed. I was trying to make it seem normal, but it was hard.

Carlos walked away from having a tickle fight with "Logie" and leaned against me while I was poking a fork at the toast mom had made me. "Dude you use your hands." he said snatching it off my plate and shoving it in his mouth and then talking while he was chewing, "Like this see." taking a sip of my orange juice. I smiled knowing he was trying to make light of the mood. Then James walked out and my facade fell back into a frown. The words echoed in my head "You can trust me."

I shook my head and smiled, "I'm going to go."

Carlos grabbed my hand, reminding me of what happened yesterday, I stuttered, my eyes widening before I realized it was Carlos, I yelled "No! I'm not hiding anything!"

Carlos eyes widened and he smiled weakly "We have practice early today we can't go anywhere."

My eyes widened and a felt drops of water fill in my eyes, "Um, tell them I can't make it today."

Carlos gaped at me "But, Gustavo-" He said before I cut him off.

"Fuck Gustavo!" I yelled grabbing my wallet and marching off.

I heard someone following me, I was prepared to yell, but when I turned I met two Hazel eyes.

"What are you thinking!" James yelled, rage and hurt filling his voice.

"Ii-" I muttered before being cut off by James' hand crossing my right cheek burning it bright rose red.

James sighed and yelled regaining his anger "That's right you weren't thinking! You didn't think about anyone else only yourself!" he paused before continuing, "You _never_ think of anyone, but yourself!"

The words hurt, but despite them I found James completely hot when he was mad. Then I did it, I crashed my lips into his my lips consuming his, at first James seemed in complete shock but then I felt a pair of lips fighting mine kissing me back with intensity. My tongue explored the crevices of his mouth, before I was finding myself fighting with a tongue for power. I broke apart from him gasping expecting to see James in the same, well rush I was in, only to see confusion in his eyes. I frowned, I shouldn't of done that. James blinked and looked down at me "Kendall, I'm not gay."

I frowned and I felt my eyebrows weave together. "Then why did you kiss me back?" I asked thinking about the passion James had just shown to me, almost as strong as the passion of when he was deep into a song.

He frowned and a melancholic lust filled his eyes, "I don't know Kendall let me think, I don't love you like that," he sighed then mumbled "I think."

He turned around and looked back "I'll tell Gustavo you weren't feeling well today." Before closing the door.

I sighed and slid down the side of the hallway wall. Someone else came out, Carlos. He looked at me frowning, "I heard, saw it all."

I smiled weakly and as he slid down next to me, "At least he said he thinks, we know he has brain cells." He laughed and sighed a serious expression crossing his face.

"Look, man give him some time." he said softly brushing my hair of my face.

I chuckled lightly and whispered "You are acting like my mother."

He smiled and punched me on the shoulder "There we go, that's the Kendall I know."

I smiled again though I was still feeling an utter sadness.

Carlos smiled standing up "How about we go out together."

I smiled and roughly and said "I would like that."

333

We walked out of the Taxi looking around for something to do. Carlos smiled and said "Well, let's see..." He said thinking to himself.

I smiled and looked around, "We could..." My eyes lit up, "See a movie!"

Carlos smiled a genuine smile and grabbed my hand pulling me off.

We were going to see some horror movie called "Don't scream". Which was voted one of the scariest movie of the century, though it only gets 2 out of 5 stars by most critics. I personally was ready, supposing nothing could be as terrifying as the events that took place earlier today.

He dragged me to the candy counter and I ended up paying for 2 boxes of M&M and two sodas and a large popcorn, while Carlos ran around in the arcade. The women in front of me smiled "You and your boyfriend make a very cute couple."

"Boyfriend!" I said dropping my soda on the counter, quickly apologizing quickly as I grabbed napkins to clean up the mess.

"It's okay ill get you another." she said smiling.

"He's not my boyfriend." I added quickly grabbing the soda and waving for Carlos to join me.

She blushed and smiled handing me my receipt "Well, then my number is on the back." she said smiling as she brushed her black wavy hair out of her face.

I smiled and nodded quickly at Jennifer I found out later was her name and walked to the movie dragging Carlos with me.

As we walked toward the end of the hall toward our theater room I whispered "Do you believe it that woman thought you were my boyfriend."

Carlos laughed and nodded. Grabbing some popcorn as we sat down.

"Especially considering you have a thing for _Logie_." I whispered nudging him in the shoulder

Even in the darkness of the starting credits I could tell Carlos had a blush spreading across his face.

The movie was horrifying, though the effects were terrible. It was all about some girl who was staying at her boyfriends house, only to found it isn't really her boyfriend, but some ax murderer who is going to kill the whole town if she screams. A very stupid movie, yet scary enough to make Carlos and I hug onto each other.

When it was over Carlos had a pale complexion and large eyes, and was 95% sure I was going to kill him if he screamed.

"Where to next?" Carlos asked smiling creepily, while poking me repeatedly in the face to make sure I was the real Kendall.

I slapped his hand off of me playfully and smiled "By the way thanks man. For all of this."

Carlos smiled "No problem I got your back."

"Mind if I cut in." a sticky caramel voice asked.

I turned around.

_James._


	3. Jealousy

I backed up slightly down the sidewalk, not paying attention to where I was headed, and with each step he joined me, two paces for every single pace I took. Panic filled my mind like a cloud of smoke entering the empty crevices in glee. His eyes were filled with a mix of something; determination, hurt, confusion, and wait and maybe even lust? '_Wait,'_ I thought cautiously '_now I not the time for hopes keep your head in the game'_

"Kendall," James whispered as he caught my hand pinning me against the wall "I just want to let you know..." he whispered his breath lingering on my throat sending a chill down through out my body.

He leant in his forehead resting against mine, "I love you.." he whispered leaning in slowly his warm breath dancing down my neck to chill my body. He smiled, a breath taking smile, feeling the goosebumps on my arms.

I smiled leaning in "I-", but I couldn't finish before being cut off again."

"I love you," he whispered again, "but I don't know if I can love you like that..." he smiled slightly as my heart dropped and shattered on the ground. He waited for me to say something I guess, anything really, but I was to busy reaching inside myself at that empty hole in my chest.

"I want to be friends," added backing slowly away his hazel eyes glistening with an inner fire, "I know you understand." his smile growing slightly in hope. He reached a hand out to touch my shoulder, but I pushed him back.

"No!" I screamed a little loud now that I think about it, "I will not understand, I am tired of being the one who has to understand, who has to agree, but most of all I am tired of having to hide under what you, Gustavo, Kelly, for christ sakes even my Mom and Katie want me to be!"

James eyes grew and he winced keeping his smile large all the while, "I understand, I suppose I will see you later," He paused "later then." before hailing a cab climbing in and speeding off into the lights.

Carlos looked at me and smiled slightly "You learned how to say no?" he whispered punching me on the shoulder. I chuckled slightly in an attempt to get Carlos to shut up. Carlos nodded in understanding hailing our own cab and giving the address to the Palm Woods, smiling in glory at the fact that he finally remembered the address considering it was on Palm Woods Drive.

The ride home was a terribly awkward situation, luckily for both of us and the driver up front it only lasted 10 minutes. The ten minutes consisted of me picking my calloused fingers, Carlos polishing his helmet with his grey cotton shirt, and the long awkward sighs compared with the shared glances forming silent conversations.

After what seemed like forever the door clicked open and I was shaken into a revived state. My legs feeling as heavy as led, I got out of the leather seat, wrenching my hand free from a sticky soda stain on the sweat covered seats. When I was on the curb staring up at the building in defeat a velvet rage painting over my eyes at the thought of going in and facing the humiliation. Before I could continue however, Carlos wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. My eyes widened and I looked down at him in surprise, he smirked and pulled me down to ear level.

"Okay, I have an idea, you see James is over there," he whispered nodding to the patio area, where James looked wide eyed from underneath his sunglasses at what he just saw, "I need to get Logan out of the longest walk-in closet ever and you need to get James to open the damn door of his."

I smiled knowing where he was going with this we nodded at each other and whispered at the same time "Jealousy."

Carlos smiled and whispered out of the corner of his mouth "Now wrap your arm at me and giggle I just said something cute and coupley." I smiled and laughed along with him, my arm sliding around his waist pulling him in close, normally I wouldn't admit this, but as I walked through the sliding glass doors Carlos was the smartest man I had ever met.

**A/N OMG I AM SOOOO SORRY :C I had just started college and had gotten situated then my roommates found out what I was writing and made fun of me to death, then I got my own apartment finally and like just got settled in then It was the holiday season and I was visiting my mom :/ but I am back :D so take me back please :C**


	4. Till i forget about you

**Chapter 4**

**Till I forget about you**

**Disclamer: I may not always post this but um for those who don't know my name is Alexander nice to meet you if I owned this it would not be on fanfiction **

**pre A/n The big time rush cd was a gift from my special someone XD and this song was on it I believe as it magically appeared on my ipod after syncing the cd. I tried to explain I was into big time rush when I was a kid(of course by this I mean 17 ), but they just laughed at me, laughed!, so as this had been decided by me as our unofficial song as I am pretty sure this music revolts said person who won't give me the rights to the name that rhymes with ummmmm... never mind I don't want to be **

**and um I apologize for the um MAJOR Kenlos in here it is Kames just give me time lol**

**Oh and I blame the terribleness of this on the crunkcore playing in my room as I am typing lol**

I looked down at the food offered to me and grimaced in disgust, ignoring the fact that my mother's eyes were boring into my skull, making me wondering if this is what having heat vision would be like. The food looked something of what would happen if.. Let's say a dog and a pig mated and instead of the mammal giving regular birth, it shit out the kid all over my mom's precious, porcelain plates. I sighed staring it down at what appeared to be an eye.

I smiled slightly, sitting up a little straighter, as I began noticing a pair of daggers in my shoulder. It had only been a couple of hours since Carlos and I had begun our plan and it was already doing marvel to James. I felt them get hotter as they began to burn holes in my arm, before they disappeared and went to somewhere behind me, I heard loud clumsy footsteps that obviously came from Carlos, but I pretended to be completely surprised and unknowing as fingers crawled over my eyes and a voice whispered in my ear, "Guess who." loud enough for James to hold back a dry heave.

I smiled "Logan?" I asked a smile on my face I heard a giggle like a little girl and he bit slightly on my ear. I gasped, oddly enough Carlos was amazing at this whole acting thing.

He giggled slightly, "Did that ring any bells," he smiled kissing my jaw bone his hands falling to my shoulders, "what about that?" I shivered slightly as he released me my body suddenly cold, it was interesting as much as I enjoyed Carlos' little nips and kisses, it was still nothing compared to the brief brushes James and I had enjoyed.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud cough from James, "Get a room will you, Logan and I," James stated, hands planted firmly on his hips as he nodded to Logan who was blushing terribly and probably trying to figure out why he was so jealous, "don't want to see that."

Carlos looked at me, a mischievous grin laying on his face as he glanced over quickly to make sure the other two were watching. "You know I was thinking, how about we go into your room and maybe..." he smiled his hot breath wrapping around my jaw.

I stood there for a second my mouth gaped open forgetting that everyone was watching, had Carlos really just said that, I looked the other boys from the corner of my eyes and snapped back into the game. "Maybe.." I growled slightly, only to be met by a slap almost as hard as one Camille gives.

I stood perfectly still seeing pure rage in Carlos' eyes, "What kind of slut do you think I am!" he pushed me slightly, sending me backwards, and causing me to grab his wrists pulling him down with me. His helmet rolled toward the kitchen area, which by then I had forgotten was filled with the other guys, he giggled slightly and I chuckled softly along with him.

"Okay, he whispered pulling himself up, "maybe I am a bit of a slut, but I am your slut." He smiled running over to grab his helmet and kissing it gently before slipping it on his head.

Logan glared at me slightly and I saw Carlos' smile grow, I smiled back grabbing his hand in mine and saying, "How 'bout just some pizza and a good old movie where the Monkey make things explode..."

Carlos squealed and began to run towards the TV when he paused, spinning towards me , spinning completely around on his heel. He smiled at me the same way he had after the movie we had watched early that day. "Well, we could do that or we could have a," he paused his grin growing, "social gathering!"

I smiled slightly laughing at the joy that was glinting in his eyes, but there was something else there too, he had a plan, I was sure of it. He proved the point by grabbing me by the collar and pulling us both into the kitchen bathroom.

"I would say we have about 2 minutes before James talks Logie into pressing his ear against the door." he said smiling wistfully at the boys name. I was just beginning to wonder when Carlos became so smart. I wasn't sure if his theories were true yet, but we would just have to wait and see.

Carlos slowly continued onward and said, "So today at the party we are going to dance and dance and dance." I giggled slightly earning a stern stare from Carlos.

As my laughing died down Carlos looked up at me with the same distasteful look a teacher might give her worst student, "Eventually James will ask for a dance, you will say yes and I will bribe our DJ to make the song a slow one. I will be hunting down Logie and probably ripping him away from Camille. After that dance we have two choices; 1 we could smile say thanks go to walk away and possibly be kissed or leaving them to think, 2) we could both wear helmets and smash them into their heads till they have to love us if they want to live." His smile grew and I knew though joking he was slightly hoping for option 2.

I turned and looked at the door hearing a slight thud as someone taller than Logan placed his head on it along with a gentler one that barely made a sound. I looked down at Carlos who was smiling mischievously again, and I knew what he was thinking. "You mean we are going to make them think we are?" I whispered pausing knowing he knew what I meant.

He nodded and smiled before slamming his head against the medicine cabinet, "Oh Kendallllll," he moaned a smirk on his lips, "I love it when your rough with me it hurts soooo good." He nodded at me urging me on, and I smiled happy to oblige

I groaned slightly, "I need to be with your right now." I smiled slightly holding back laughter as Carlos continued to moan and I went along with him.

Carlos paused un zipping his jacket slightly, taking of his shoes and socks, and messing around with his jean legs. "Kendall it feels so good!" He moaned suddenly as he too at this point was holding back laughter.

I glance slightly at the door, "Are we going all the way?" I whispered into his ear gaining another rattle of the door as someone was trying to figure out what I had said.

"As much as I want us to be seen as man whores I suppose not." he said a twinge of lust in his voice. I nodded slightly and sucked on my thumb trying to create the affects of what I guess we were doing instead.

"Kendall I'm gonna-" he screamed eyes darting around, deciding to grabs some acne cream and squeeze it not exactly sure what sound it would make in someones mouth. I swallowed my saliva and smiled giggling slightly like a little girl.

"Well for my first fake first time," Carlos whispered as we got rid to exit the room messing up each others hair and clothes a bit, Carlos making it look like he gripped onto my hair, "It was quite fun!" And with a cheeky smile and a minor blush he opened the door pretending not to notice how the boys were conveniently leaning against the wall next to the door both blushing madly and slightly glaring at us. I looked James in the eye licking my fingers seductively, watching as he turned his head away in surprise.

I blushed a deep red for a second, I felt like such a slut, and not in the good way either, but that I am no longer pure way. Yet, the worst part is I hadn't even done anything... Yet.

**xXx**

Carlos and I were sharing a dance at the moment pretending to grind while keeping a small distance from actually touching each other. Carlos was laughing at the lyrics of the song and declaring it as our song. I listened carefully to the words as Carlos sung along, "Eenie Meanie minnie moe so much bitches at our show, a different state a different hoe, which of them should I take home?" The song then went on to listing every girl he has ever had ever fucked. I supposed this "Crunkcore" would work for the purpose of our situation. As the song ended I saw James nod at Logan and descended into the crowd, in what I guess was a plan Logan and him planned which corresponded perfectly with our own.

James grabbed my hand "May I have this dance?" He asked Hazel eyes smoldering into my own, I glanced at Carlos who saluted me in an inside joke type of way running off to Guitar dude, who was running the DJ station, and as he sent me a thumbs up as the music started. But then Logan was up whispering a song into Guitar Dude's ear and he nodded about to press play, when Carlos shook his head and whispered our choice into his ear and Guitar Dude nodded ready to start it off. 

By now the room had become slightly silent as Logan stuck his hands on his hips and shouted, "Listen up we are playing my song!" He had a stern look on his face as he stared down Carlos.

"No," Carlos yelled back, "we are playing my song!" a stern look being returned as Guitar man just stood there watching in awe.

"Don't you back talk me with those pretty little lips of yours." He said then pausing and blushing at his words.

Carlos smiled slightly, "You think They're cute?" he shifted so one foot was on its tiptoe rubbing into the ground.

"Well yeah they are well proportioned and all so they are rather appealing..." Logan said his voice getting quieter .

Carlos smiled a innocent grin being replaced with on of mischief, "Would you like to try them out on your own?" The whole room stood in awe at what they were witnessing, even Camille who had take a break from trying to hit me to stare in pure anger and jealousy at Carlos.

"Yes." Logan growled his voice getting husky as his lips crashed into Carlos' in pure lust as they ravenously ate each others lips.

Guitar Dude coughed slightly and said, "How about we give the two love sharks some room and take it down slow with the request the two gentlemen both asked for, so dudes find yourself a fine looking lady and hold her close letting her know how much you love her," he turned for a second looking at Carlos and Logan and added before starting the song , "or him."

I felt James' smile on me and I was about to turn to dance when Jo taped my shoulder and said, "Hey Kendall would you dance with me?" I smiled nodding slightly in dissapointment and walked away not daring to look back.

**(James POV for the point of my dramatic ass being satisfied)**

I watched a Jo set he head in the nook between his neck and shoulder, watching them sway, she whispered something and Kendall giggled holding her closer. She was probably saying something along the lines of 'We can make some cute babies together that will crush all Diamond's hearts for the rest of eternity'. _'Maybe imaginary Jo is right,'_ I thought to myself, "_Kendall always wanted a son, I can't give that to him. And I was such an ass to him I wouldn't blame him for wanting Jo."_

The chorus of the first words of the song started and I reminded myself wether broken bone or broken heart the show must go on, and through a cracky throat I began to sing staring softly at Kendall hoping he had a good life even if after this single day of mine I was never sure I would get one, "Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time."

I watched as they swayed and I slowly backed away to disappear into the crowd, "Surely you can take some comfort knowing that your mine."

As I walked out of the room I locked eyes with Kendall and whispered, "Just hold me tight, lay by my side and let me be the one who calls me baby all the time, I found my place in the world, I could stare at your face for the rest of my days. Now I can breath.." As I walked out I found these words completely un true as I ran to 2J wrapping myself in my blanket, sobs forcing themselves up my backed up throat. James Diamond never cries, but then I realized it was because James Diamond had it easy, he had friends who would do anything for him. '_Hell they already had and now that I have reached the first thorn of the rose I realized not even the smell or beauty of it mattered any more, just the immense pain radiating from where he had touched it.'_

I wiped a tear from my cheek and smiled at myself in the reflection of my bedside mirror and picked away my flaws, but then I realized that I couldn't get love till I loved myself

**(Back to Kendall POV)**

I watched as James backed away into the crowd whispering something, I let go of Jo turning around to go after James, but her hand caught mine, "Kendall what are you doing." she asked her voice stern yet filled with a slight concern as were green eyes as the glinted slightly in the party lights.

I hugged her kiss the top of her head inhaling slightly, it was the smell of vanilla and though it was calming it did nothing for me like the day we met. So, as I let my hands drop I whispered, "To set things right." And with that I was out the door and into the front lobby, I smiled slightly pushing down on the up button of the elevator exterior and waited. I tapped my foot slightly pressing it again when it did not open, and again, and again. I sighed in exasperation running up the stairs not caring that as I did so the elevator door opened. I forced open the door to the second floor running down the hall way to 2J. I fiddled with my key struggling to get it in fast enough. I finally got it open and called out the taller boys name getting nothing but silence in return. I ran to our room and fiddled with the door handle "James?" I called again getting a screaming silence calling out in the eerie darkness of the empty hotel room. I shook the door handle slightly thinking of a way to get it open.

"James?" I repeated finally leaning against the door in defeat, listening to the silence whispering negative thoughts into my subconscious mind. I repeated myself one more time this time receiving mumbled words in response.

I called out again, "James, open the door please." I sighed pressing my ear against the door preparing to listen to him.

"Go fuck on the couch." James mumbled a pain in his voice I couldn't quite understand. I sighed trying to figure what the fuck he was talking about coming up with nothing, but a possibility he was mental.

"James just open the door." I said through my teeth in an as calm as way as possible despite the fact it was simular to yanking it out of my ass.

"I don't want to be around..." he started, but his voice got groggy and too low for me to make out completely, so I stayed silent until he repeated himself. "I don't want to be around a man whore!"

I fumed turning around and out the door slamming the door shut and walking, almost running, to the elevator doors which sled open to a mid-kiss Carlos and Logan. I walked in basically pushing them out and stood cemented to place as their wide eyes of surprise were slowly shut out by metal doors. _"Man whore hmmm I'll give him a man whore,"_ I screamed at myself mentally marching out to the pool area, _"but who..." _I paced slightly back and forth before setting eyes on Jo, smiling apologetically and gleamed as she in understanding. _"One," _I took a look around and eyed Camille and shot her a look of sympathy she just shrugged and slapped me, before walking away a smirk on her lips. _"Two."_ There had to be someone else, someone, my head collided with someone else's and I fell backwards the person falling against me.

"Oh, shit man I'm so sorry..." the voice whispered lifting me up the callused fingers brushing against my own sending electric jolts throughout my body. I looked the body over ,smiling at it slyly, the body was of a male, the body just a bit taller than James, the top of the body covered in brown locks that splayed in different ways as if it had been gelled into perfection. As I scanned down I met ice blue eyes contrasting a nice tan that I suspected was given to him by luck of genes, the face the eyes, button nose, and full lips belonged to wasn't terrible either receiving a mental not of almost as sexy as James' own. Continuing down I met broad shoulders the muscle defined obviously on the shirtless body and further on you would meet a 6 pack twitching slightly as the male moved, the ass below it wasn't that bad though and it would soon join my dreams later that night.

He smirked at me examining my own body, which sadly compared to his wasn't much to talk about, he extended a hand slowly as if baiting a wild animal and said "Matthew, Mathew Rosa, nice to meet you."

I obliged to the gesturing hand and took it shaking it in my own, "Kendall Knight, same to you." I wrapped my arm around my arm around his shoulder.

"So what brings you to the palm woods?" I asked gesturing around, pretending I actually gave a shit.

"I'm thinking about modeling." He replied his eyes twinkling in delight as if it were amazing any one wanted him to model. Yet, I wasn't surprised even now he looked like he walked out of a modeling poster.

I was suddenly curious and asked, "What company hired you?" the possibilities ringing in my mind thinking of which items I could buy with him on it without looking weird for buying it.

"Oh, um," he paused racking his mind before he remembered a smile growing on his face, "Cuda products hired me, yep." I smiled back at him and snickered to myself this was just too perfect.

He looked at his watch before gasping, "I gotta go my mom and dad are expecting me back in a few minutes see you, he paused racking what seemed to be a very forgetful brain before saing, "Kendall!"

I snickered as I walked back inside, he was a nice kid, I would almost feel bad for using him as I was about to, almost. And as I made my way to the safety of the orange couch I smiled half whispering half thinking the words I had finally gotten to say.

"_Three"_

_**A/N: Okay so in the end here not so much about Til I forget about you as I thought It would be, blame the crunk man blame the crunk. Or no blame the idiot playing the crunk, if you are reading this Jk jk love you sweety lol. But yeah I think this is the longest chapter so far it is longer than the past three put together. Should I keep them this long if I do I will update once ia week, I guess if I keep it at like 1,500 wirds limit I can do it twice or 3 times a week oh well feel review to decide ill post the official posting days next time. Um, I feel so blind right now sorry I broke my glasses :D.**_

_**Now to reply to reviews:**_

_**Sir RCCS: thankyou, and very much despite the fact they are awesome and can get you tickets to concerts and sneak you into a class you werent supposed to be in lol.**_

_**Kameslover3: tada :D arent you happy with me**_

_**Music4ever1617: Thankies :D**_

_**BTRlover17: thanks for everything :)**_

_**Evangeline Di Korea: again TADA :D **_

**_The Savage Soul: sorry |D I kept writing the next chapter to be honest but hated it most of the time __XD _**

_**Yes I suppose he is but I feel as f I could of done so much more for the relation ship I had this idea where carlos really loved kendall but it was shot down and I was told to save that for a kenlos story which I just may lol**_

_**And, um, yeah hope you liked it and um I apologize again for the suckiness.**_

_**Oh and for the songs feel free to look them up we have:**_

_**Yellow Bus – Brokencyde**_

_**Smother me- the used**_

_**and yeah again enjoy :D**_


	5. Monster Inside me

**Chapter 5**

**Monster inside me**

**This chapter is brought to you by a certain boyfriend who thinks he is being nice and turns off your alarm clock and steals your car so he can get to class not even thinking maybe you have class still too because it said your college was closed but it turns out it was only the west wing in which you have no classes in :| and also to a snuggie blanket your 13 year old sister that buys you an etra large and also really short and pink zebra striped one not bothering to think you are 5' 11" and are under weight by about 20 pound male :| so the snuggie makes your feet cold and smothers your body and you get tangled in it and you look gayer than usual in it :|, but anywho enjoy |D**

**btw I got a complaint from my sister how I make everyone think like a guy and told me to pretend they were girls and had a poetic manner for the day so enjoy my (normal) writing style **

**|D**

**Btw i fail at spelling and i often loose my fingers on the keys so typos even the smallest are my fault and if i had an editor this would be okay so feel free to volunteer  
**

* * *

I woke up in the morning with a bad back and legs as heavy as led, looking out the window I examined what painted itself before me, the moon was still lowering in the sky and the golden waves of the sun just beginning to kiss the velvet skies. I looked back at the orange couch and sighed reminding myself that just because things felt comfortable this can be proved certainly wrong if you sleep on them. I sighed stretching .in the way similar to a felines manner of yawning, feeling my back crack in several places, a pressure released from my body and I felt almost perfect. I glanced back out the window scanning the ground below expecting an empty park to be all returned but no of course not, instead I saw a single figure jogging in the morning rays, sweat glistened down his chiseled frame, defined in the contrast of sun and shadows. _'Right Matthew? I think that's his name, but I don't remember that well.'_ he bent over tying his shoe on an oak bench. I paused looking at it and smiled, "Yeah that's Matthew." I said, my smile turning into a mischievous smirk as I took off my shirt, pulled open the window and called out, "Hey nice jog!"

The boy jumped hitting his head on a tree branch just a little less than a foot above his head, his mouth moved speaking of words I would guess had something to do along the lines of fuck, or shit, I was open minded. He turned around a shimmer of sweat lining his brow bone and down his cheeks, he looked up his normally spiked hair sticking to his forehead, "Oh, hey Kendall," he called out running his callused hands through his chocolate hair sending it into slicked back style "Just, uh working up a sweat!" I nodded, turning around as I heard the footsteps hurry off to the east and I smiled, walking toward Carlos' room.

I opened the door slowly cringing at what I saw, a partially naked Carlos and a fully naked Logan, I covered my eyes peaking through the small slits sliding on the wall as if I were on a mission. I neared the bed and sighed trying to avert my eyes from the terribly scandalous, but suspected scene before me. I snickered bitterly and took a blanket off of the floor draping it carefully on Logan, before shaking Carlos gently to a waking but groggy state.

"Hello, is it time for school?" he asked a smile on his face, he was obviously slightly drunk and I wondered slightly if he would regret this in his sober state. Though they hadn't done everything it is possible it wasn't his immediate intention of even going as far as he had. He looked slowly to his left and jumped slightly before pushing himself slowly out of bed his legs moving in a slight mechanical motion. He looked at me his head cocked to the side as if to ask, _'What the fuck happened last night?'_ , he furrowed his eye brows slightly before realization crossed his features and he covered his mouth.

I smiled at him feeling almost proud that his, our plan had worked even if only one sided. "Have fun last night?" I asked, sitting down in a desk seat as Carlos slipped on a navy blue tshirt and a new pair of baggy pants. I paused looking at him "No underwear?" I asked my face contouring in worry and disgust.

He looked at me a bemused look crossing his tanned face and a unsounded chuckle crossing his lips, "Yes, I did thank you, and because I did I would like my junk to have some freedom..." He pursed his lips and put a hand over my own holding back our laughter, as if not to wake the boy grumbling in the bed.

I smiled at him and sighed and began my propositions, " I know I shouldn't ask this of you since you had already done so much for me, but I have a plan." I smiled sheepishly as he cocked his head to the right and probed me to go on, "I, you see, James called me a man whore, and um..." I paused thinking of a way to word myself.

Carlos sighed, "You want to show him what a real man whore is..." He shook his head and looked down his eyes barely open. I knew it, I knew even he would think I was crazy. He looked up to me an smiled, "Sounds fun, so we should go shopping right?" I nodded slightly and stood up slipping on yesterdays shirt and reaching for my phone before shaking my head and leaving it on the table. I opened the plain door open for Carlos as he set down a note to Logan saying he was going to the store and he liked liked him. I rolled my eyes gagging as Carlos walked out the door and toward the elevator. I closed the door gently and headed after him, watching him giggle as he repeatedly raped the down button. As the doors slid open we fought off a group of Jennifers sliding out of the bronze doors and got into their past spots. "Oh yeah, Kendall?" Carlos asked his fingers intertwining with each other seeming to thumb wrestle with themselves.

I stood still waiting for him to continue, when he didn't I laughed slightly and said, "Continue on then." Carlos stayed silent as the floor number lowered to one and we stepped off. The silence continued to the cab where it repeated the second day of this dilemma.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered, his eyes glistening with tears and I watched my head wide in wonder. He wiped his eyes and chuckled bitterly smiling at me slightly.

"It's okay, your happy that's all that matters man." I whispered not being able to stand seeing my best friend upset. I rubbed his back slowly and let him lean against my shoulder gently. I looked out the window noticing that the moon was just beginning to set and the sun was beginning to kiss the mid sky ways. I bet we had about an hour or two before James woke up enough time for me to do a decent amount of shopping and some practice before I had to present myself as if I had always been like that.

Carlos sniffled slightly, "I should of done more research, I could of made it so much more realistic, I should of known!" he screamed at himself as I told the driver to stop slipping a 20 into his hands. I looked at him in confusion lifting an eyebrow in question walking through the front doors relishing in the emptiness of the morning mall, only a few crazy woman fighting over scarves, and creepy old men lurking in the shadows. "Cum doesn't squirt in someones mouth, it makes a slight gurgling noise barely noticeable even if you are giving head!" he screamed gaining surprised stares from many of the woman, and alarming signs of lust from a few of the men who had by now advanced from the shadows.

I punched him and laughed loudly in an uncomfortable manner trying to play it off as a joke, I bent down to whisper in his ear, "Ever say something like that again I will make sure your dick never gets anywhere near Logan's ever again." He recoiled at this cringing at the thought and pretended to zip his lips and unzip his pants. I laughed and looked around completely lost around anything that wasn't wall-mart brand and sighed as Carlos looked around in the same haze eyes wide in wonder.

"Kendall?" he whispered looking at the Hot Topic in awe, "I'm scared, can we go to that Abercrombie and Fitch place, this place looks scary..." I shook my head slightly staring at the variety of people inside, a lot were pierced in places that I didn't think you would want to be pierced, or thirteen year old girls who had developed far too early or are late bloomers.

I coughed and chuckled huskily looking around and smiling, "Um, yeah this is the only place where I can find pants tight enough to suffocate my junk..." Carlos sighed taking a step forward holding his breath, he took only half another step before spinning on heel to the fountain in the middle of the walk ways sending a small splash as his keys fell in. He growled and grabbed them quickly with a swish of the hand splashing an old couple with water. They murmured something about disrespect and carried on the way.

Carlos frowned dragging himself into the store after me and murmured, "Why couldn't you have to dress up like a hobo..." crossing his arms and keeping his eyes on a shelf with stickers on it, a grin spreading across his face.

Ten shirts, five pants, two pairs of shoes, and twenty-five stickers later, we finally were on our way home in yet another yellow taxi filled with another silence, but this one not as terrible as I was covered in stickers from head to toe, after Carlos explained I wouldn't be wearing the clothes for long anyways. I slipped into a navy v-neck muscle shirt along with some white skinnies and a pair of black converse. It was as close as I could get to slutty without being naked all the time, which I pointed out to Carlos would be a little much. I smiled in the camera of my iphone and laughed slightly drawing eyeliner on as I had the day we had to choose a bad boy.

Carlos stopped the taxi and handed over the last of our spending money and he looked at me and I nodded secretly agreeing, one of us need a license. I sighed grabbing my bags and slamming the cab door shut walking through the lobby doors. I watched as people stared and jaws dropped as I walked by, I looked at my watch 7 am I suppose I had 30 minutes till James was out of our room. I hummed slightly climbing into the elevator with a defeated sigh. As the elevator was on its way to the second floor Carlos yelled "Right!" my eyes widened as he reached into his pocket and dug out a jar of gel out running it through my hair ruffling it slightly before moving it around into a messy Beiber style flying strands everywhere but in a way that was almost sexy, I admired myself in the elevator doors as they opened slowly onto a dismal hallway. I looked down at myself and felt Carlos' eyes lingering on me he muttered something softly and began to walk forward.

"What?" I asked curiosity taking over me as I stretchered my muscle shirt lifting slightly over my hip bone revealing a slight treasure trail. I blushed slightly conscious suddenly of my body. Carlos mumbled again fumbling with his key in his hand as we approached 2J.

I repeated myself slightly more aggressive this time, I felt my annoyance fill me and I began to wonder what my best friend wasn't telling me.

"If you looked like this before I would of really fucked you." Carlos mumbled, a blush spreading across his face, as he concentrated on the door knob. I gasped before breaking out in laughter, and soon he joined me. We both stopped as we opened the door and he nodded at me making sure I remembered our brief practice on what Carlos called "_Slutting"_ . I walked into the room and sat down at the orange couch looking randomly at my left and sucking on a finger absentmindedly.

"Hey guys!" James' voice called out as he walked out of my, his, our room, "Kendall, we need to..." He had started hearing me recently, but even seeing the back of my head he paused staring wide eyed at me as I removed the finger from my mouth with a pop. I cocked my head to the side sticking the finger on my bottom lip, quirking my eyebrow slightly.

Carlos coughed slightly and smiled at me, "You beat James today and may I say, damn you look fine!" James cringed and looked in his mirror quickly, but Carlos was right James did look like shit. Maybe it was similar to his swagger, the more one of us got the less he maintained.

James looked at me and said, "Kendall?" a worried expression crossed his eyes and then a look of embarrassment as if he was thinking thoughts he was ashamed of.

"Yes," I took the finger off of my lip and down James' chest sending shivers through out his body, "stud?" I felt a low growl in his chest and I laughed silently to myself at his will power.

He coughed and in a gravel voice asked, "What, what are you wearing?" his eyes darted up and down my body stopping on my pants that Carlos had called "painted on". I chuckled half heartily and

and turned around walking toward the window completely ignoring his question.

"Ow, sleeping on that couch sure ruined my back." I stated stretching feeling my shirt lift up again revealing my skin. I shivered slightly as the wind from outside kissed my back and crawled slowly up my spine.

Logan walked out saying, "Guys we need to get to Gu-" He stopped when his eyes rested on me. His eyes went wide as he looked me over and blushed turning to Carlos. "Uh, Carlos?" He asked keeping me in the corner of his eye.

"Yes, Logie?" He said glaring at me slightly mouthing something along the lines of, 'Damn you.' and looked back at Logan smiling a sickeningly, sweet smile. I frowned slightly, scolding myself for not thinking of consequences of this, but then I quickly brushed it off knowing nothing _that _bad could happen.

"Would you ever consider wearing anything like that," he said blushing slightly, "I mean for research purposes so we can see what you should wear in the band." He looked away and toward Mom and Katie's room as the door opened.

Katie stepped out slowly her eyes half shut and her hair flying in every which way. Mom followed her a smile on her face as she looked each of us over, her eyes landed on me and they widened and she covered her mouth. Before I could say anything Carlos whispered in Logan's ear and he cut in quickly, "Gustavo wanted to change Kendall's look, really don't worry Mama Knight it will be back to normal soon." She examined Logan for a second and nodded with a sigh walking toward the kitchen. Logan looked at me nodding slightly fully understanding my situation fully since Carlos told him all of it.

Katie squinted her eyes at me and cocked her head to the side an eyebrow lifting in question, I shrugged in return, but she shook her head grabbing my by my belt loop, though I wasn't sure who needs a belt loop when your pants were as tight as mine were. She pulled me into her bed room and taped her foot, a habit she picked up from our mother, asking for an explanation. "James called me a Man whore and-" I began pursing my lips as I was cut off.

"And you want to show him what a man whore really is." she said a piercing gaze on mine her eyes rolling slightly. I nodded slightly and she looked at me in disappointment, "Remember when you were in ninth grade, remember what happened?" I remembered I remembered all too well, my mother had begun to take pain killers so many we would have to buy a new bottle a week. I felt like it was my fault Dad had left us and held the pain of my mother, but instead of crying for my pain, I would make others cry. I had remembered the words I had used to explain to Carlos, when you are upset your either get sad or angry, I always chose the latter. Since that day Carlos had been my best friend, he had reminded me that my anger didn't have to engulf me.

"This isn't like that, I promise Katie." I looked at her with pleading eyes and she sighed nodding slightly in retreat. I smiled slightly ruffling her already messed up hair, she pushed my playfully and laughed before her face turned back to a serious expression.

She looked up at me crossing her arms, "But if you hurt him I will hurt you." I paused looking at her, wasn't that supposed to be said to James? Obviously she understood my look of confusion and said, "I would hurt him too, but I think he is more sensitive than you, I think in the end he may need you more than you ever needed him." she smiled at me and continued with a flutter of her eyelashes as if to say 'Get the fuck out of here before I kick you out.'

I nodded walking out with a smile on my face over to where mom was making chocolate chip pancakes. She set a few out in front of me and an idea come upon me, I walked over to the fridge and pulled out a can of Redi Whip squirting it on my pancakes before sticking my fingers in it, looking straight at James as I licked my finger tips. His eyes widened and he looked down at his plate pretending not to notice.

My phone vibrated from the other side of the room and Carlos picked it up reading the text out for me, "Matthew wants you to come to his photo shoot at the Cuda studios." It only bothered me for a second of how he got my phone number before I went back to reality. James eyes were wide and he looked at me before looking over at Carlos.

James paused looking back at me, "Cuda products, you know a model of Cuda, Cuda?" he asked his eyes wide. I nodded putting my fork in my mouth and pulling it out slowly.

I looked at Carlos and said, "Tell him to come to 2J and um we can discuss it." I laughed slightly at James' distraught and asked mom to make some more pancakes for a friend, she nodded happy we were making more friends.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and I opened it smirking as Matthew looked me over, he was shirtless again probably coming back from the pool as it appeared his hair, though spiked again was still damp. "Come on in." I said gesturing inside, he smiled wrapping his arm around me as I had done the day before. James eyes widened when he saw Matthew and I rested my head on his shoulder in comfort surprised how much this boy felt like a brother to me.

"So um how about you show me around," He smirked slightly adding, "your bedroom maybe?" I gasped slightly about to make a flirty remark when he started laughing. "Kidding, kidding, but if you want to maybe we can." He giggled slightly running his fingers through his hair. Everyone was staring at him wide eyed as he blushed looking at his feet. "So, um, right you wanted to talk about my photo shoot?"

I nodded, "I'll come if, and only if you come to our rehearsal." I smiled at him setting a hand on his chest. He laughed slightly to himself, looking away from me. I cocked my head to the side looking at him lifting an eyebrow, he frowned and said, "I was going to say something, but they are here." He whispered nodding at my family and friends as everyone pretended to be occupied.

"Here tell me in my room." I said grabbing his hand pulling him away into the room. I sat down on my bed inviting him to join me with a pat on the bed. He sat down next to me his brown locks dropping slightly as he blushed.

He laughed slightly, "It was just a perverted joke, really," I stayed silent probing him to continue on, "I was going to say I was going to come first..." He blushed a deep shade of red and looked down.

I laughed slightly lifting his spirits, next thing I knew his lips were on mine and we were fighting for dominance. I climbed on top of him pressing against him closely and he turned on me pressing me down against the bed biting my bottom lips and I opened its feeling him whisper something into my mouth. I reached down for his belt fumbling with the metal catch. He pushed me back standing up and shaking his head, "I'm sorry, but we shouldn't." He turned from me fixing himself back up and looking at me with apology, oddly enough I felt rejected and depressed suddenly, but also relieved at the same time.

He blushed slightly, "I'm so sorry, I want to I do it's just you know..." I nodded slightly smiling at him in understanding as he opened the door for me and I walked out completely forgetting that my gelled hair was sticking up and my clothes were now slightly wrinkled. Carlos walked up to me arrange my hair in way similar as he had before and scolding me for wasting our money since I had decided to wrinkle my clothes. I looked at my watch and cursed slightly looking at everyone else nodding at the time and pulling Matthew out with me and toward the elevator holding it open with my foot for the rest of the guys who seemed to be lagging behind. Slowly they all climbed in with us and again my phone started to ring.

Carlos pulled it out and put it on speaker, "Kendall?" It was Jo's voice ,I could tell even through the unclear crackling sound received by the signal an elevator gets, by the way a worry yet excitement filled the voice.

"Hey Jo," I said leaning in toward the phone, "what's up?" I ignored the giggle Carlos made as Logan whispered something in his ear.

"You seemed kinda upset last night, you okay?" I blushed slightly and nodded despite the fact she couldn't see me. I could see everyone's eyes on me and I grabbed the phone as we walked out of the elevator doors and toward the limo.

"Yeah I'm great actually." I said sitting down inside opposite of Kelly who was hissing slightly because we were late. Matthew climbed in next to me and I received a questioning look from Kelly, but that look quickly turned into a look saying something along the lines of 'Awwww' as Matthew rested his head on mine.

"Oh, that's great, um Kendall can we hang out tonight I have to practice some lines and you could help." She sounded hesitant and slightly scared as she said it sheepishly whispering, "If you can't that's fine."

I smiled slightly to myself and said, "Sure it's great to have a friend like you." I smiled at James as he glared at my feet looking out the window.

"Right, friend." She whispered lust lacing through her voice. I smiled up at Matthew who seemed to be smiling into my head kissing it almost.

"Okay love yah Jo, talk to you later." the line went silent and I heard a squeal in the background and with a click the line went dead laced with an excitement echoing through the car.

As we arrived at Rocque records, the limo might as well as had been the taxi Carlos and I always found ourselves in. I walked up to the doors my head lying on Matthews shoulder. James seemed to be irritated that Everyone except for him were leaning against someone they loved or at least had a plan with this person for the soon future.

As we arrived at our recording studio Gustavo cocked an eyebrow at Matthew and said, "Why there five dogs here?" Kelly shrugged and Gustavo looked over everyone who all nodded at me.

"Kendall," Gustavo sneered slightly, "care to explain?"

"This is Matthew he is here to watch us rehearse." I said flatly being completely blunt with him.

"And did I say he could come?" Gustavo asked a frown on his face. I paused thinking for a second about what I should say in return.

"I'm so sorry sir, I just wanted to see the genius of Boy Quake and many other amazing songs and bands." Matthew said smiling slightly. He really was a sweet talker, and he knew his 90's bands. He was sorta like if James and I had a kid, I blushed at the thought, looking at my feet feeling as if everyone could hear my thoughts.

"Yeah and if you have a problem with it we can all leave with him." I said gaining back my confidence. Matthew looked at me thankful and wrapped his arm around my waist which led me to wonder, were we going out?

Gustavo sighed and agreed telling him to sit on a couch stay quiet while we moved into the sound booth.

* * *

"That was interesting." Matthew said as we were driven to Cuda studios, he smiled at me rubbing circles into my back as a sign of comfort. James had called me an obnoxious bitch and walked out of the studio previously and Gustavo has told us to take a chill pill and come back at 4:00 tomorrow.

As the limo pulled up Matthew opened the door and held his hand out for me and I grabbed it smiling as he kissed my own leading me in the brass doors. He took me past various people and smiled nodding at them all. He led me down a few hall ways left, right, forward, right, right, left, forward. Then we got to a door with a star on it he opened it for me leading into what I guessed was his dressing room. It was decently sized around the size of the recording area of the recording studio. It had light earthy green walls and a small window seat set up with a scarlet red blanket and two crème pillows. The makeup area was a mess different books and pictures scattered across it.

Matthew looked down at me and lifted up my face lips crashing into mine in a ravenous manner, I kissed him back gently trying to slow down whatever he was trying to accomplish. Yet, he didn't get the hint as he bit down on my bottom lip the taste of blood dancing in my mouth as I gasped in pain, he used this opportunity to shove his tongue down my throat. His tongue ravenously searched the crevices of my cheeks, examining each one of my small pearly teeth.

Finally his tongue was gone and I felt relieved, until I was pushed on the bed my head colliding with the concrete wall with a shattering noise that was probably a bed side lamp. My hands were pinned behind me and he began to nibble on my jaw.

I moaned slightly and began to ask myself why I didn't want this, I was reminded completely when I felt blood drip down the back of my head. "No, please stop." I moaned in a mixture of pain and pleasure. He ignored me continuing to lick my neck. "Let me go." I tried to get up but found that his muscles were more for than show as he threw me back against the bed another sharp pain scattering through my brain.

"You were practically begging for it earlier." He whispered pulling down my pants off of my legs and used them to tie my hands together. He smiled at me his head moving down to my underpants, taking no time to remove them as well. He shoved them in my mouth to stop my rapid protests, he smiled at me and said, "I always please don't worry before long you will be begging for it every day."

I closed my eyes and heard his own pants drop and as I began to feel a warmth surround me and his breath on my upper thighs, I pretended the smell of Cuda was James' and that everything was going to be all right.

**Forgive me okay yeah so now time to reply to reviews:**

**Fang lover23: Nor am I, but I am trying to branch out into new territory, thanks :)**

**EvilGeniusBookWorm13: you have a long name and the same obsession with o's as I do, but thank you**

**Sir RCCS: thankies :D**

**Music4ever1617: thanks and yes but um creepyerish |D**

**Btrlover17: I can't wait to write more**

**Same dont let anyone know I dont know where this is going**

**I know and im modest lol but thanks**

**thank you again :D**

**Okay so I will be posting every Sunday I know that for sure and u once a week day but yeah don't stone me with bricks for doing the rape thingy |D good evening :D**

**btw author note and all this is like 5,000 words + so if you cant tell ive become a little more than obsessed |D  
**


	6. The Last Song Ever

**Chapter six **

**The last song ever**

"**The broken glass your moistened skin was everything, everything."**

**Check out "Secondhand Serenade- the last song" ever for this chapter to have an inspiration that makes sense**

**xXxX-XxXx**

I woke up groggily looking around my eyes half squinted, and as I stood up I nearly fell my head feeling light and my legs like led. Blood was still dripping slowly from my skull and I was pretty sure I had a few broken bones. Yet, I didn't feel like calling an ambulance, I didn't feel anything. Well, that was a lie, I felt an immense pain coming from every part of my body, and with every move I made toward the white wooden door I felt a tear of pain role down my face. A little lime green sticky note stuck to the door, 'Out taking photos, your clothes are clean on the desk, please put on a jacket when you leave. You are bleeding a lot and I don't want it to drip on the carpets :)' it stated in a mocking remark. I felt myself wobble with every step and I knew soon I would be dead or at least passed out from blood loss. So, with the last of my strength I walked to the desk pulling on my clothes in small jerky movements, and slipped on a jacket. I opened the door slowly walking out and toward the door, ignoring my headache and the blackness beginning to close in on my eyes.

`I stepped out into the warm Las Angeles side walks. I hailed a cab stopping one almost immediately, which was surprising considering it was around 8:00 pm on a Friday. I climbed in barely noticing the slight mildew smell mixed with blood from my jacket surrounding me as the man driving began to hold a one sided conversation with me. I nodded handing him whatever money I had as I crawled out of the cab. _'Where can I go,'_ I thought cautiously, _'I know no one other than the guys who all probably were mad at me now. ' _I began to walk toward the front door counting my options in my head slowly. Then I remembered my conversation with Jo earlier and I hoped maybe she could tell me how fucked up I was right now. I trudged toward the elevator ignoring the gasps as I passed, ignoring how I felt that I was already over.

**James POV**

**xX-Xx**

I paced rapidly in front of the swirly side trying not to let my worry get to me, Carlos was leaning next to the kitchen phone ready to answer and Logan was trying to make me stop pacing by filling my head with logic that made my brain hurt. Then we heard a ring coming from Carlos' direction, I ran to it in pure panic, but Carlos stopped me picking it up and putting on a fake smile. "Big Time Rush's residence and possibly former home of Kendall Knight." He whispered toward the end his voice cracking slightly. He sighed and put his finger down on speaker so we all could listen. Logan finally shut up and dragged me with him to crowd around the phone.

"Hello? It's Jo." her voice rang with a pure concern laced in it, you could hear the frown in her voice. Kendall must of not shown up, he was probably butt fucking with that Matthew guy. My eye brows touched slightly in a jealous rage before I shook my head getting back to the issue at hand.

"Hey Jo, you seen Kendall around?" Carlos asked the same worry in his own voice, I smiled slightly, I seriously loved Carlos for being Kendall's best friend even when I refused to be. It was another example of my selfish ways, I could never be there for him like the rest of the group. Something would always hold me back, I wasn't good for him, I was a see saw and I would always cry if I wasn't on top, and in return he would just have to put more of my own weight on himself just to get me there.

"N-no, but-" we heard a slight knocking sound and I supposed she was skipping toward the door to a happy Kendall, "Wait a second I'm going to take the phone with me to the door." She said it as if it was some big secret and I was supposed be excited. There was silence and a slight creaking sound as the door opened, a scream and a cry, someone yelling "What happened to you!". Jo picked up the phone again, "Uh, Kendall is here-" her voice cracked at the end and a sob like sound erupted out of her throat, as what sounded like Kendall said something. We kept near the phone as the mumbling, crying, and occasional screams continued. Then we heard a sniffling as someone set down the phone, the line went into a white sound at first, empty, as hollow as my chest was at the moment. Then, a loud buzzing sound met our ears and as Carlos slowly set the phone on the holder, his eyes wide and fearful, another phone rang from my pocket.

I checked the number holding my breath as I read who it was, I gasped silently and read it out loud, "Kendall." Carlos nodded at me as I put it on speaker. I opened it slowly holding my breath as I lifted it to my ear, "Hello?" I said slightly louder than a whisper. I waited for the other line to answer, but received nothing. I looked at Logan who shrugged and then to Carlos who did the same.

"I'm," the voice started his voice broken and quivering in fear, "I'm." It repeated as I stood there in utter silence. I heard Jo's screams in the backgrounds and from the way the sound was coming through I guessed he was in the bathroom. The words slowly rolled into our ears echoing in the room as he said them, and when he did I couldn't believe he said them, "Sorry." There was a shattering sound and another scream from Jo. And then silence met us and soon a long beep met our ears telling us that it was over, we had lost. Yet, at the time I refused to believe it, I looked at Carlos who was cradling Logan in his arms. I did the craziest thing I had ever done in my life, possibly even the most reckless, I ran. I heard feet follow me as I forced the stair door that hadn't been used in ages open and ran up to 3F not caring that the others were having a hard time keeping up with me. I ran down the longest hallway I had ever seen in my life, and continued to run feeling to bodies joining me from behind. When we arrived at 3F I quickly turned the knob, finding it still unlocked. The first thing I noticed as I walked in was the blood dripping on the ground and the smell of what could be fooled for a rotting body. I looked around quickly finding the bathroom in a small hall way near the bedrooms, Jo was collapsed in front of it banging her fists on the door.

She looked up at us slowly tears dancing on her eyes and sliding down her cheeks in grace. "He, he said something about Matthew, and James, and... and touching, and unwanted, and ending it all." She shook her blonde hair out of her face and her the embers of her emerald green eyes slowly turned to dust before blowing away.

I didn't listen to the rest of her story, I just beat against the door myself trying to figure out how to get it open. I beat, and beat, until an idea came upon me, I reached into my pocket grabbing out my lucky comb. I looked at it and whispered my sorrys, whimpering it as it snapped in my hands. I stuck the tip in the handle hearing the lock click gleefully. I opened the door slowly engulfing myself in the smell of blood. The mirror was broken into millions of tiny diamonds, blood splattered against the lifeless frame, and below it Kendall was draped across the sink new and old blood covering his head and his clothes. At that moment I realized he was everything to me and without him I wouldn't live myself.

I heard a laugh escape Kendall's lips as he whispered his final words, "Heh, every rose has a diamond thorn." the words quivered slightly at the end as it turned into a whisper. I stood frozen in horror as I heard his forced breath slow. I heard Logan whisper instructions to everyone else in the room trying to save Kendall's life with house hold appliances.

I bent over Kendall grabbing him in my arms whispering in his ear, "Kendall don't leave me, you can scream at me as loud as you want, laugh at me, I know I sound crazy, but please don't leave me."

**Kendalls POV**

**xX-Xx**

I felt my the pains grow and my heart thumping in my head beginning to slow, I felt myself lifting and I wasn't sure why I was looking down on myself. I figured I should look for a light and let James move on, but there was nothing. There was no light opening for me, just a haze, and a slight static in my ears and a film placed over my eyes. James was whispering into my body's ear and I could hear it faintly in my mind over the static. I wanted to listen to him, I wanted to come back into my body and be with him, but I already ruined that possibility.

I felt a sharp pain rip through my body and a small light appear in the corner of my eye and I backed away from it feeling the grains in my sight get larger and the static get louder. I backed toward my body and James as the light got larger and started advancing toward me. Then I heard 3 beautiful words and the name of a scumbag, the last words I would hear would be, "I love you Kendall Knight."

I wrapped my arms around James and screamed it back "I love you too!" I think he heard me that day as he looked at my body in awe before burying his head back into my shoulder before Logan came in and forced James to leave. I kept with him in the door way hugging on to him for all life. I felt the light behind me and knew I was about to leave, as I felt a burning rip through my body, and another, and yet another. I looked down as my body was carried off as the paramedics rushed in and took everything I was away, but at least now I know he loved me and that was worth all of this, all this pain was worth knowing. And I felt the final rip go through my body and all went black. I could hear voices around me, murmuring things about my heart rate, how they didn't know what happened to me and they weren't sure if I would ever be the same. that I may die, but I knew that couldn't be right because I was dead.

I felt something in me like a butterfly flutter throughout my body and I felt a strand of strength lace throughout my body. I opened my eyes slightly and looked up seeing hazel eyes filled with the stars and diamonds that signified everything he was, I saw his mouth shape into an o and his eyes begin to tear up. In a croaky voice and all the strength I could muster I whispered the name, slowly quietly. And as I said it he backed up crying and I saw other faces look up in awe as the word echoed through the air, a single word that defined my whole life, "James."

**Xx-xX**

**authors note:**

**Um sorry this isnt longer, im just dealing with some drama. Heh, being diagnosed with severe anxiety and moderate depression is fun :D. Even makes your boyfriend say he doesnt think he can be with you if your love life is going to involve so much drama. Oh well, um yeah I may wrap this up in like 2 chapters or so give or take a few. Oh well hope enjoyed... Please review :D cause reviews are like crack for me, consider it my anti-depressants but yeah they make me happy |D and um they make me feel appreciated :D and in this one I am not going to reply to reviews im sorry because a side affect of my depression is insomnia and I can never fall asleep but im going to try to for at least an hour |D night...**


	7. Screaming Mayday

**Screaming Mayday**

***Chapter seven***

**-XxX-**

My eyes removed the film covering them slightly and allowed me to follow James' movements out the room with a crystal quality. Logan quickly followed calling for James, and I would have joined him, if it weren't for the fact, not only was I to weak to really do anything, but also my body had just then decided to inform me that my body was connected to a UV unit and if I tried to stand it would tear slightly causing blood to trickle out of my arm. This then causing Carlos to faint in his chair after putting on his helmet, in the process falling on top of Katie who then starts screaming;; which of course sends my mother running in from the coffee machine trying franticly to move the big burly boy. Only to then notice that I was in fact NOT dead and to break down crying, crushing Katie once more.

"Kendall, are you really alive?" she sobbed out in gasps, she reached out grabbing my hand and clutching it tightly in her own. Her silver tears hit gently on my hand where her head was pressed against the top. She couldn't believe I was dead, but worse of all, I didn't why I should have been. The last thing I had remembered was going to sleep in a strange dressing room, a pain in my ass, literally, Then it's just a blur, nothing made sense, but I needed to find out what had happened. Tons of questions span through my mind. Why did James look so sad? Why was I going to die? Who had I become before I died? Who was this Kendall Knight I barely remembered?

Carlos slowly came to, using excuses of not enough sleep to cover up his obvious fear of blood. Mom then put on a smile of shock mixed with relief as she headed out the door to have a talk with the doctors. Carlos seemed to stare at me as if I was a ghost almost as if he believed that movie Don't scream had come out of the theaters and into our life. I looked over to the clipboard next to me, it read my diagnosis, Concussion caused by trauma to head, low white blood cell count, anemic, delusional before concussion, anxiety, paranoia, and mild MPD. Each sent a shock through my newly awakened body as I realized how fucked up I had become. And under that the date was printed: "April 16th 2012," a little more than a year since the last date I remember being on my phone. Carlos saw where my eyes rested in shock and he gasped, running over to the clipboard and turning it over. "Stupid Carlos! They said if he came back around to ease him into the date and what do you do? You let it hit him in the face!" He paced around the small hospital room muttering to himself in utter disappointment. His manner of talking sounded like he was scolding an invisible dog who had just shit on the carpet. And despite the fact he was mad at himself, I couldn't help but feel he was angry with me as well.

"Carlos," I groaned out trying to catch his attention, but he just kept making an oval with his movements in repetitive robotic steps, "Carlos!" I screamed in a my new found raspy voice. He jumped a foot in the air hitting his helmeted head on the low ceilings. I shook my head slightly, a smile growing on my face, this was classic Carlos, for a second I had been afraid I had lost him. Carlos removed his helmet and rubbed his head absentmindedly his eyes glazing over slightly in surprise.

He paused and looked down at the helmet which had fallen out of his hands, "Right I needed to talk to... Kendall!" He turned quickly and caught himself on my arm as he fell slightly, afterwards apologizing continually as I winced in pain as he pressed down on a scar left by something sharp. When I thought about it I realized they were all over my body... Everywhere.

Carlos was staring at them as well and I felt his worried glare piercing into them, as I was sure the glass had when whatever happened to me happened. "Carlos, what happened to me?" Carlos scooted uncomfortably in his place next to me. "Carlos?" I asked again staring at him in worry for what happened to myself.

Carlos sighed and creased his eyebrows together, "What do you remember?" He looked at me with scrutinizing eyes examining every twitch my facial feature made. And I examined his, through my slightly blurred vision paired with a pounding head, I noticed something. I had always been good at reading people just from the muscle movements there body made, and his did not tell me something good. From the crease in between his eyebrows, he was worried. Meanwhile, the smile in his mouth along with the sadness in his eyes, said he was relived, but guilty. Finally the tension in his shoulders and neck, told me he was waiting for something, something bad, and in this case I was guessing this was me. He was waiting for me to snap, to attack him as a Lion would a Hyena when presented the opportunity.

But, the real question was, what did I remember? This question puzzled me as I didn't know if I could answer that. I remembered it all slightly, but pieces were missing. Huge pieces that were lying dead int eh graveyard of my mind, like zombies. Roaming almost to the surface only to be returned by a steel gate blocking the path."I Remember, being in a strange room, and then James, and blood, drowning, a light, and now I am here."

Carlos shook his head, " This is bad... So, so bad." I looked at him confused as he began pacing again, staring intently at me the whole time. Carlos nodded at me acknowledging my stare of desperation, " You see a few months ago, Gustavo took the suspect of your "Rape", " My mind jolted at that word, screaming pleads entering my mind and moans and groans of pleasure working against them, "We had the best lawyers, Katie was helping of course, and they almost got him cornered with Joe's testimony, which contradicted his own, which was alter proved on video tape, the evidence was your bloody clothes, which was then proved that it was possible to have been from the "Incident" with the mirrors. Finally there was nothing, but our attorneys got the trial postponed without a verdict till the 23rd of April with the promise of your testimony." He paused biting his bottom lip glancing at me expectantly.

It hit me then, my eyes widening, my breath quickening, as a nurse rushed in I sputtered, " You mean. I . I..." Carlos nodded and I looked down at my limp legs. " I Have to remember everything in one week... With my alleged rapist in the same vicinity.." Carlos nodded and looked over at the nurse wearing a large black jacket, smothering her body, revealing only a pair of skinny jeans and a single star on her palm as she reworked all the plugs into my body, removing the now unnecessary ones. She looked over at me bright blue eyes gleaming in the shadows, and she leaned in black hair brushing over my face as her lips pressed against my ears, "If you want to know what really happened, call this number." She reached into a pocket and set a star shaped business card on my chest. "I'll be seeing you soon." she called walking out of the room just as an older uniformed nurse walked in. Checking me over and then walking out.

I smiled at Carlos, "She looked hot from what I saw." Imagining the bit of a strange girl I had seen a minute ago.

Carlos cocked his head at me, "Her? She was old enough to be my grandmother..." I shook my head and mentioned the girl before, he looked at me confused denying that he ever saw anyone similar to that. Carlos bit his lip once more and looked down on me, "Oh yeah, one more thing... I forgot to tell you and I am really sorry. I just never thought you would be alive. And we told him to move on. And at first he didn't listen and he spent every night by your side, then he met _Him_ and we tried to talk him out of it, but he reminded us of what we said. Yet, now your alive and we all are so sorry. If it makes you feel better Momma Knight kicked him out of the house and non of us really talk to him except for Logan and that is only to convince him to leave that asshole. But I am really sorr-"

I looked at him surprised "What are you talk-" when the door opened slowly to my left. James walked in followed by another figure, the same hight, same smell, but with sapphire eyes. James scoot to the side letting the figure walk in ahead of him. I gasped images I didn't fully understand flooded over me and had me gasping for air. James blushed, "Kendall this is my boyfriend, you may know him, this is Matthew." My vision faded black and I realized, this was going to be hell of a long week.

**To be continued...**

**- A/N-**

**And done. With part one. Part two will be up next week |D. Yes I took a hiatus, but I am back so I hope you enjoyed this short entry.**


	8. A new begining

_PART TWO:_

_Pretend_

_-_Chapter one-

A whole new beginning

XxX

_Your eyes, telling me lies  
And making me find myself  
While you have your agenda, a life to pursue  
So please,  
Let me be free from you.  
And please, let me be free  
I can face the truth._

Everything had become black and white, few shades of greys filling the empty spaces. Every now and then I wondered if I had died and had come back in to some cruel hell that consisted of me waking daily as if nothing ever happened, and maybe for a few seconds I would believe it, perhaps it was just a hellish dream, Then I would look over and see the empty bed that had once held the boy I loved. The bed that had been pushed up against mine so we could snuggle, the one that contained the boy who promised to keep me warm when it rained. Every time I saw that empty bed, I could only imagine where the inhabitant lied now, wrapped in someone else's sheets, someones sweat covering his body that was not mine and I cried. I would never be the same, but I was hoping it was for better. That somehow I would pull through this stronger than ever and I would finally learn how to breath my own again, but in the end I knew it was a lie and that I should have died that night, but instead I lived and I am in pieces lying in a bed I had made out of broken lies and false starts.

I sat on the bright orange couch staring blankly at the ceiling; everyone was surrounding me, suffocating me as if I was the elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss. Not as if they hadn't ignored it enough in the past year, solo records coming out, Logan taking my part in songs, tours being held without me. And now as the police thanked my mother for her time after some questions I wouldn't answer from the case almost closed, it was if I had become so much of trouble that I was dragging everyone down with me.

"So," Carlos said with a final attempt to create conversation, "that was a good game, never thought that our team would lose, I mean they are the best, right Kendall?" Logan rolled his eyes at Carlos knowing that his tries were useless. I knew it too honestly, and just stared at him blankly with glassy eyes. "No then, well okay..." Carlos sighed in defeat and turned his head back to television bitting on his lower lip in irritation. Mom joined us back at the "entertainment" center of our small hotel room and sat next to me, the couch giving way under her body. She sunk in, disappearing in orange cloth to a look of pure comfort. She twisted her finger absentmindedly in her fall leaf hair and tapped her foot to a beat that only she knew. Soon everyone in the room except for Katie and I was shaking feverishly with an anxious aura.

Katie stood then and began her way out the door, she seemed furious, confused, but irritated mostly. Mom stood up and walked after her, resting a firm hand on her shoulder, " Young lady where do you think your going?" Katie rolled her eyes and pushed Mom away, leaving her in shock, and opened the door taking one step out before spinning on one foot to face us all.

" You all can pretend all you want nothing is going on, but in the end we all know you are wrong. My brother... MY brother. Needs help, and I don't care if you all want everyone else to think he is normal, but I know my brother and I know when he wants to talk to someone. You all are doing him no favors, you're just making it worse," Katie had a pure determination burning in her eyes, "now I'm going to get him some help and you all can follow me or not, but you can't stop me!" With she slammed the door, rattling the foundation and turning everyone hollow. I stood up on shaky legs and began to follow my sisters defiant foot steps and I too headed toward the door.

Logan stood and shook his head at me, "It's not a good idea to be moving out of the apartment, remember the doctor said not to strain yourself, which in your case is basically moving anymore than a few feet in a short amount of time." He began to list the possibilities of what could happen, but when he saw the look on my rigid face as I turned around he zipped his lips shut. Carlos walked up next to me and opened the door for me and giving me support by letting me lean on him slightly. Mom, who I suppose was still in shock, just stood frozen still staring at the wall behind me with wide eyes.

I headed out each step paced slightly slower than the next, and soon I was at the other end of the hall stepping into the elevator. Katie stood their ignoring my gaze and Carlos glanced around running out just as the doors closed on him, then opening just enough for him to slip out.

I slid down to the ground and wrapped my arms around my knees, head resting on them gently. She slid down next to me and sighed resting her head on my arm, "I missed us, I had to fight the world by myself, I missed it being you and me against the world." I raised my head and smiled rubbing her back lightly in comfort.

"You don't talk much anymore do you..." she whispered into my arm, " you don't smell as good as you used to either." I laughed hoarsely and play punched her in the shoulder to which she pulled out her ninja moves and poked me in the nose.

" Katie..." I whispered, unsure of what I wanted to say, "Thanks." She smiled up at me tears rimming her lower lid. She latched onto my arm and buried her face into it smothering herself with my incense. I stared at the numbers flickering on the wall, finally reaching one and the doors opened, the process inch by inch, second by second, slowed and on the other end were two hazel eyes.

They hit me like a bullet straight through the heart and I struggled to stand as Katie stood helplessly by my side. I pushed my way past him and toward the open air. I rushed speeding faster and faster toward the exit two people were following me one I didn't mind, the other was like a shadow I wanted to escape. I reached the automatic doors and ran straight first into someone. A tall figure helped me up his fingerprints burning into my skin, I knew that touch all to well. "Funny how we keep running into each other like this." Said the voice with a smile in its tone. I looked up and saw Matthew's ice blue eyes staring at me. I yelped and ran around him ignoring James' calls behind me and ran into the street. I stopped the cab that almost hit me and jumped in, I gave him two twenties and told him to take me anywhere and fast.

And he did, he drove me far, far away, to the perfect location, a little hole in the middle of LA called, Club Wannabe.


	9. Lovesick

**CHAPTER TWO**

**Lovesick**

_**XxXxX**_

"_You tell me that you love me  
Then you go and leave me  
Why you do this to me, baby?"_

_Never Say Never_

_**XxXxX**_

The peppy, upbeat, techno, dub step music of the club bounced against my ears, as the multi colored lights, mocking somewhat of a modern disco ball, danced in excitement around me. I shared none of the feelings imitating off the walls. I had slipped easily past the bouncer, who seemed to be a little tipsy from booze himself by the way he called me a pretty young lady and to hit him up if I found no one to spend my time with in there. This place appeared perfect, as the man who drove me here obviously knew I needed to get away. This clubs seemed almost like a haven in a world of mass destruction. Both men and women alike, gay or straight suddenly not a question, dancing and drinking as one. When I stepped in everyone continued their business; no special attention, no surprised screams, just another guy walking into a night club. I could be myself, just myself, no one's puppet, I could be the Kendall I was before all this drama, but then again that Kendall is what started this drama.

I headed straight for the bar not bothering to worry about whether or not I would be carded, for while I may not have the looks of the other guys in the band, I knew I had twice the charm. I walked up to the black granite bar, and sat on one of the high stools that were place conveniently in front. A blonde was on the other side wearing a black shirt that read "Major Wannabe", and a pair of bleached white jeans. She had her head pressed against a cell phone discussing her problems with Jeremiah and Tyler and how she couldn't decide which was right for her and how her new manager Ryan was soooooo hot. I tapped on her shoulder attempting to get her attention to which she pushed my finger away making some kind of gawking sound then muttering about how inconsiderate people were in "this place." She mumbled her goodbyes and turns sharply to give me a piece of her mind, of which I was not sure existed completely. Then she paused when she saw me, jaw almost hitting the ground, as she looked me over. "Omg, Oh my gawd," she said between chews of gum, "Kendall FUCKING Knight" She jumped up and down in excitement her large breast jiggling with each movement. She smiled, her bright mid-day eyes sparkling with excitement as she snapped a picture and quickly sent a text message to who I assumed was whoever she was previously engaged with. "I so heard what that guy did to you, terrible, I mean I LOVEEEE you too, but you don't see me crawling into your pants right now, do you?" she asked waiting for a response I didn't give. She blushed it off and shrugged her eyes dimming slightly in embarrassment, "Sorry just, huge, huge fan," she paused her eyes lighting up like light bulbs as she got an idea, "oh yeah, can I get you a drink?" I nodded and asked for a beer to which she scurried off to find one.

After five minutes she returned and said, "Sorry mostly gays and chicks come here so we don't get many request for beers…" She blushed and turned around again popping off the bottle's cap.

Just as she was setting it down and I was reaching out to take it, another hand swooped in and grabbed it. The culprit was young male, around the age of 20, just a little taller than Logan and a bit shorter than me, his hair was honey drawn and pulled to a taffy sculpture of perfection, and his eyes were bright blue celestial pools with little black holes dragging everything surrounding it in. He glared at the perky blonde and smiled apologetically at me, "I'm sorry sir we are going to need an ID."

The blond pulled him aside and in a failish whisper said, "Do you know who that is?"

He glanced at me and squinted turning back to the girl, "Your boyfriend?" I sighed beginning to think maybe I should just back away while they were bickering.

"I wish," she said with an exasperated sigh glancing over at me with a smile, "he's Kendall Knight."

The man paused glancing over at me a smile of recognition on his face which quickly faded as he looked back at her, "Who?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Remind me to give you my whole collection of magazines tomorrow for you to read for homework," She looked back at me and flashed another cheeky smile, "I mean seriously, Ryan, your gay right," He nodded quickly a blush on his face as he glanced at me, "and you don't know about the boy band revival?" She shook her head again and continued "He could bring in serious attention to his place!" Again with an exasperated sigh she set the beer back down in front of me, yanking it from Ryan's hands.

Just before I took a sip it was ripped from my hands again and he whispered harshly, "For what giving alcohol to a minor, come on Tiffany don't be stupid." He shook his head and she grunted in anger, muttering something about going out back for a bit before marching off.

He glanced me over and said, "I won't kick you out, but just no drinking okay?" I nodded a frown falling on my face as I realized that today was not going to be the escape I had been hoping for. He glanced me over again and sighed, "Fine you look like you need it, but one. Only one and don't make me regret giving you alcohol, okay?" I nodded slightly and mumbled an okay taking the beer from him appreciatively and standing to walk on the dance floor.

He stopped me and whispered in my ear, "Also, if you get drunk easily I don't mind driving you home, we don't need another Michelle Musso incident." I nodded politely having no idea what he meant and kept walking.

I began to dance, feeling the alcohol coursing through my veins and found a cute guy and started dancing, grinding away my worries. The world slowly began to spin and I could tell I was already drunk off of the three alcoholic drinks I had obtained in my triumphs throughout the night. The guy I ended up with in the end grabbed my hand and dragged me to the bathroom and pushed me against a wall. His lips against my jaw kissing down me, and suddenly images of being forced down in struggle filled my mind with images of blood, pain, and promises of never coming pleasure. I began to hyper ventilate and the man pushing me against the wall assumed it was of pleasure, but it was far of the opposite. I suddenly became filled with rage and pushed the guy down to the ground standing over him. He leant up to kiss me but I pushed him back down tears pouring out of my eyes. "Why? First you take my virginity away, then the love of my life, and now my sanity?" as my fist repeatedly beat down on the struggling male under me. I stood up shaking my head, "No more. No more." And with that I walked out tears streaming down my face. I plopped down on a chair off to the side and dialed the single number I knew by heart.

"James?" I whispered into the phone, tears dripping on my pants.

"Hello?" James's voice rang on the other side and I smiled.

"Hi James I-"I started.

"Ha! Got you didn't I? This is the marvelous James's phone and if you need me I'm probably with my amazing boyfriend Ken- I mean Matthew!" a bunch of shuffling followed, "We can rerecord this right?" then a long beep.

I shook slightly and put on my best fake smile pretending as if he could see me now, "Hey um, you know what, never mind…. Sorry to call, I'm just a little… wasted you know…" I smiled slightly, "You know how crazy Carlos got when he first started drinking, yeah I get it… So, um bye…" I hung up then ignoring that just at that moment I heard someone say my name on the other side of the line. Tears started pouring down my face in bucket fills and I sank into the couch pretending I could just disappear from the world.

"Hey dude," a female voice said, "here you look like you need something to get your mind off of that girl you were calling, you can share with me." I looked up staring at the paper cylinder she was holding.

I paused, "It's a dude." Nodding slightly at the grabbing what I assumed was a cigarette.

She laughed and shrugged, "Whatever I get it I only come here for her anyways," she said nodding at Tiffany who was finally walking back in, "go ahead take a puff."

I obliged coughing slightly into my palm as the smoke danced down my lungs, "Oh Tiffany, yeah she's cool, a little crazy, but cool." Wiping my eyes from the tears I gained from a mix of smoke and my previous encounters.

She looked at me and at the blonde who was now back behind the bar smiling and waving at me, "Tiffany huh? I like that name…"

I looked at her taking another inhale ignoring how dizzy I was becoming, "Wait you don't know her, but you come here to see her?"

The brunette shrugged, "I have a things for blondes okay?" she said smiling.

I nodded and said, "I'll get her over here for you."

She smiled and thanked me, and the asked, "So who's your damage."

I smiled at the way she said who instead of what and started laughing uncontrollably, "It starts with a J and rhymes with… Wait what does it rhyme with? Oh my god, it rhymes with fame… I can rhyme!" and burst out laughing.

The brunette laughed with me and said, "By the way I'm Emily, you are?"

I smiled and said in return, "My name starts with a K and um, rhymes with… Oh no! my name doesn't rhyme with anything." tears starting to fall down my face.

She laughed, "God you get high easy." She shook her head and grabbed the cylinder from my hand and inhaled blowing the smoke into my face.

"Wait high? I'm high? No that was a cigarette… No." panic jumping through my body.

She looked at me as if I was crazy, "Dude I gave it to you I would know what was in it."

"Oh my god I'm high that's so s- funny oh my god my mom is going to be pissed." I let out between laughs.

She laughed with me, "Your mom, dude your mom just needs to grow up BAHAHAHAHA." She let out her whole body shaking in laughter.

"Why does my head feel hot," I whimpered, "Am I on fire?" I started patting my body all over.

She took her drink and dumped it over my head laughing like crazy, "Not anymore."

I hugged her and said, "Oh my god thank you! If I weren't gay and you weren't gay I would make babies with you right now to repay you, but we're gay and that's okay cause hey I love you anyways." We both giggled and she hugged me back.

My stomach rumbled and I looked at her with pleading puppy dog eyes. As if she read my mind she raised her hand as if we were back in high school and waved Tiffany over. "Hey Tiffany can you get my friend here your finest crackers." She burst out laughing and smiled up at her with a toothy grin.

Tiffany smiled and said, "Okay, name?" looking Raven up and down with a blush.

"Emily," ignoring my questioning glances and shook Tiffany's hand, "nice to meet you."

"There you happy?" she asked raising a single eyebrow at me rolling her eyes. I looked at her cocking my head to the side wondering how someone's personality could change depending on who they were talking to.

I burst out laughing again at my sudden seriousness taking an inhale of the new blunt _Emily _lit for me, "Obviously you are Emily…"

She glared at me, "Shut up it is my birth name." and started laughing with me, "Seriously do I look like an Emily to you?"

I smiled at her sincerely through my laughter getting my first good glance at her, "You look like a sexy Emily." leaning in close so my breath lingered on her cheek. She giggled and pushed me away telling me to shut up.

Suddenly a platter of crackers was In front of my face by a hand who was not Tiffany's own. As I looked up the arm I followed it to broad shoulders and Ryan's blue eyes. "Hey!" I said standing up hugging him. "Em-I-Ly, this is the guy who," I paused breaking out in laughter as I inhaled another puff and passed it back to her, "he let me come here and like meet you."

Emily laughed and said, "Man, he has your crackers!" pointing to the plate that was about to tip over from how hard I was hugging Ryan.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I said letting go of him, "crackers I'm so sorry you could have died, because of me." Tears falling down my face. I bit one and Raven squealed laughs coming out of her pressed tight lips as she informed me I just murdered one. The tears started pouring hard as I spit it back out trying to turn the now mushy pile back into a whole cracker.

Ryan grabbed me and said, "We're going home." Shaking his head in disappointment he wrapped his arm around me.

"No we need to have a funeral for the cracker family." I said stuffing more crackers in my mouth while crying salty tears.

Emily laughed and said, "Yeah who are you his dad?"

I spun looking him, "Are you my dad? Why did you leave me? Oh god you're like 20 something… You had sex with my mom while you were 5. What's wrong with you? Wait… You are not my dad, who are you?" I started freaking out again tears climbing back down my cheeks.

Ryan sighed pulling me into his shoulder as I began to cry and started to walk away, Raven grabbed my phone first programming her number into it before handing it to Ryan who put it in his coat pocket.

When we reached the parking lot Ryan led me to a sleek 2006 Mustang GT opening the passenger's door and helping me in. I grabbed him and pulled him into my lap as he started to walk away and cried again, "Thank you." I kissed his cheek and leaned back slightly in the seat trying to hold in my crackers as my stomach flopped. He blushed and climbed into the driver's side driving out the parking lot and on to the main street.

As we slowly accelerated down the road and my mind nodded in and out along with my laughter. Ryan glared at the road in silence until he finally said, "Why'd you do drugs?"

I looked at him and smiled, "Funny story," I started already bursting into laughter, which calmed down when he looked over at me with pure seriousness, "I thought it was a cigarette."

He looked at me rolling his eyes, "Yeah, so much better." And sighed and smiled at me, "Listen I just don't want you to end up like me your young you know."

I smiled back at him and said, "What do you mean you're young too," then I froze, "Unless that age defying cream really works..." I burst out laughing again; this time he joined in too with a slight chuckle.

"Yeah I just got into some stuff I wish I hadn't when I was younger." He smiled at me grabbing my hand gently and passing me a doggy bag which was greatly needed.

"Haven't we all?" I asked after I was done; when I glanced over at him he had tears in his eyes, so in comfort I leaned against him looking up with a smile.

He looked over at me with a smile leaning in closer; I did the same, but before anything could happen he slammed at a red light and cursed under his breath.

I giggled at him, "You said a dirty word…" and is started to cry again thinking about Carlos and how worried everyone must be.

"So where should I take you?" he asked looking over at me as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me in so I could cry again.

"Can we go to you place?" I asked figuring that later was better than sooner in this case of scenario.

He hesitated, but then nodded taking a left turn on to a high end street of Las Angeles. I looked at the gigantic houses we passed following them, with my head turning back and forth as they zoomed by. Finally we came to one of the largest ones yet and he slowed turning in toward the gated driveway. As he approached my eyes widened and became even larger as he entered in some sort of pin I wish I had memorized and began the drive upward. We pulled up and into the four car garage and came to a halt. I looked over at Ryan and asked, "Are you the president?"

**RYAN POV**

I laughed at the high/drunk boy's reasoning and smiled ruffling his hair. "No I'm not, Kendall." His eye brows furrowed, weaving together slightly and he looked me up and down.

"A model?" he said taking another stab at my occupation in the dark.

I shook my head and blushed slightly at his guess, going to his side of the car and wrapping an arm around his waist helping him up.

As he entered my house he gasped and looked around rapidly, at the many amenities even I hadn't completely gotten used to. He then decided to take another guess looking at me in fear and saying, "Alien?"

I laughed out loud this time and smiled down at the kid and his silly ways. He was handsome sober and cute high and drunk, and knowing this I just couldn't help but wonder how he was on a good day.

As I led him upstairs to the bathroom he caught something I hoped he wouldn't a Big Time Rush poster along with many other music posters, but his eyes landed on that one. He laughed and looked at me raising a single eyebrow, "You don't know who I am?" he said with a chuckle.

I face palmed myself for having that up and tried to brush it off like it was nothing, "I might enjoy your music… a little. Not after you left though the band needed another Pronto it was being over whelmed by base." He smiled at me and my heart melted slightly. I shook my head emptying those thoughts and lead him into the bathroom connected to my bedroom.

His eyes lit up as he saw the Jacuzzi bathtub and asked if he could use it. I shook my head, "Maybe next time." And I directed him to use the shower right next to it promising to lay out some clothes for him. He nodded and thanked me with a giggle as I closed the door so he could undress. I found the longest pair of sweat pants I owned and a tee I was sure would fit him and set them on the sink trying to pretend I couldn't see his blurred figure through the glass of the door.

When I walked back out figured I could use a change of attire myself and switched into a matching set of red silk bottoms and button up shirt. I was just done when Kendall walked out the shirt fitting perfectly, but the pants cutting at mid calf. He looked at me chuckling and asked, "What? Did I do something wrong?" looking down at his legs when I pointed and then bursted into laughter plopping down on my bed.

I sat down next to him and smiled, "So, the guest room is just down the h-", but paused as I saw he was already under the blankets and decided I could sleep in another room for just one night. I stood up and started walking toward the door about to turn off the lights when Kendall stopped me.

"This is embarrassing, but can you sing me to sleep?" he blushed and looked over at me a pleading smile covering his face. I sighed and sat next to him asking what song I should sing. To which he replied "Lovesick" by Never Shot Never. Luckily for him I knew it and started singing to him.

_Dear, I wrote you a song,  
Despite the fact you did me wrong.  
And dear, I don't know what the hell is going on with you,  
But something ain't right._

He smiled and he pressed his head into my arm and I lied down under the covers next to him.

You tell me that you love me  
Then you go and leave me  
Why you do this to me, baby?  
I'm lovesick.  
I just can't eat,  
Just can't sleep,  
Can't do much of anything at all,  
Cause I'm sick and in love with you, dear.

_Dear, I wrote you this song  
In hopes that you would sing along.  
And dear I've been working my ass off for you  
Cause something ain't right_

You tell me that you love me  
Then you go and leave me  
Why you do this to me, baby?  
I'm love, ooh, ooh, sick.  
I just can't eat,  
Just can't sleep,  
Can't do much of anything at all,  
Cause I'm sick and in love, oh

_His eyes closed and he whispered, "You should join Big Time Rush…"_

You tell me that you love me  
Then you go and leave me  
Why you do this to me, baby?  
I'm lovesick  
I just can't eat,  
Just can't sleep,  
Can't do much of anything at all,  
Cause I'm sick and in love with you, dear.

A snore escaped his lips and I smiled beginning to stand up when he pulled me closer a tear escaping his sleeping eyes and he whispered, "Please don't leave me again." I smiled seeing so much of myself in the kid. I used my leg to reach over him and pulled the cord to the light and curled into Kendall protecting him from his demons and the rest of the world the same way I wished someone had done for me.

**(hehe Bonus for my absence)*** THE NEXT DAY*** (Kendall POV)**

I woke up for the second time with my head pounding, a slight nausea, and an empty bed. This time again there was a pair of clean clothes waiting for me and a sticky note stuck to the door only this time I wasn't bleeding and it wasn't telling me to leave. The bright blue sticky note read 'come down stairs for a surprise :D' . I smiled slightly wrapping the clothes in my arms, still freshly warm. When I opened the door trying to figure out from the blurry night before which way the kitchen was only to be greeted by an arrow made up of sticky notes pointing to the left with sharpie writing across: 'Follow my arrows.' I followed one down the hallway, another down the spiraling stairs, and yet another through the living room. Finally my last one pointed to a huge kitchen with every appliance a chef would want, and I half expected a chef to greet me, but instead was a young man with honey blond hair and the voice of an angel flipping pancakes. As I stepped in a final arrow pointed reading 'sit' and so I did on the single bar stool with a sticky note present on it. Ryan turned smiling at me his bright blue eyes reflecting back my own smiling face in our bright surroundings. "Good morning sleepy head!" he said going back to his humming as he set a plate in front of me. I shuddered slightly wanting to gag, but also starving at the same time. He did a one over on me and chuckled, "Pot can do that to you," he laughed again and said "I knew I should have just kicked your puppy dog eyed ass out."

I looked at him smiling on the verge of laughter as I ravenously took a bite into the pancake; almost having a foodgasm as it melted in my mouth. I smiled at him and giggled, embarrassed as I asked the next thing to come out of my mouth, "So I got up to raging out of the bathroom and everything goes blank what happened afterwards?"

The blond chuckled and said, "You met a girl named Emily, or Raven, as you called her. Did some drugs and started crying 'cause I was your dad and you were murdering crackers." I blushed and Ryan laughed sliding next to me.

The next question was even more embarrassing as I asked, "We didn't you know…" I paused as his pupils glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. He shook his head and I sighed with relief.

"Hey don't be so sad we didn't" he said sarcastically rolling his eyes. "No I wouldn't take advantage of your state like that."

I smiled glad to know there was at least one guy out there like him, "So," I said glancing over at him to which he replied with a questioning look and a mouth full of pancake, "what do you do?"

He swallowed and took a drink of orange juice, "You know the usual paint, cook, and do a little dancing if time ever permits with my hectic schedule…" He chuckled at this joke and continued to eat.

I swallowed the second to last bite of my amazing food and smiled, "Okay Mr. Smarty Pants what is your occupation besides owning a club and wooing Kendalls everywhere."

He shrugged pushing his plate away from him, he shrugged pointing to the wall behind us covered with framed newspapers with headings saying things such as: "Jones wins again!", "Jones proves defense guilty!", "From Rookie to big Leagues overnight". I paused looking over at him, "You're a lawyer?"

"Don't act so surprised," he said sipping a coffee, "Even a measly lawyer can be interested in running a club."

I glared at him and shook my head, "A measly lawyer wouldn't be in this many newspapers or own a house like this!"

He sighed shrugging continuing to sip his orange juice and flip through the morning paper. "I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this."

I paused, neither did I really, I mean I only asked when I was high and he probably wanted to wait until I was sober. "So," I asked the real question popping into my mind, "why aren't you working on my case?"

He froze cringing slightly as if I had just asked the question he hadn't wanted me to, "They said they have the top lawyers working for you right?" I nodded and he sighed, "They got the best lawyers that would work for pro bono," he closed his news paper and turned to face me, "they love you, but you just weren't worth the risk of more than let's say, I mean your mid famous so it would be worth more, um about 2,000 dollars an hour roughly not including the retainer fee?"

I shook slightly and rubbed my temples, so best wasn't really best, but at least it wasn't worst. Though, why hadn't they told me? I was slightly disturbed that they lied, but sort of understood why they did. I mean life moved on and if I didn't come out of the coma I was in it was pointless anyways. Since as far as I saw James was happy with Matthew and he seemed to pull his act together.

Ryan looked at me and shook his head, "I'll do it." I glanced over at him cocking my head to the side. "I'll represent you." He said with the same determination along with more clarification.

"Why?" I asked looking at him with a questioning gaze. Why now?

"It doesn't matter," he said almost yelling at me before calming back down, "I just see myself in you."

"By the way," he said taking my phone out of his pocket and programming in his number, "I'm speed dial five even as your lawyer, I still want you to be my friend." He said nodding slightly reminding me of what James had said the day we first met, '_Be my friend?' _I shook my head nodding glancing down at it. Two messages from Raven asking about how I was holding up, five from Carlos asking where the hell I was and that he couldn't cover with my Mom much longer, three from Logan telling me the story he said to my mom, one from my mom saying she didn't buy it, and 20 missed calls. These included three from Carlos, one from my mom, and 16 from James. Fourteen voicemails 12 of them thirty seconds long of stuttering, one of cursing, and one I promised myself I would listen to on my way home.

"Mr. Popularity hmm?" Ryan asked cutting through my thoughts. I laughed and nodded and despite the fact I obviously didn't fool him he ushered me up stairs so we could change.

"Since your clothes are clean just change back into them and um since I'm of duty today I guess I'll try to dress casual to meet your Mom." He said as he pulled out a button up shirt, a bow tie, and black skinnies. I glanced over at him and he cocked an eyebrow at me, "What not formal enough?"

I laughed and shook my head to assure him he was fine. I quickly changed in and out of my clothes and sat on the bed tying on my converse. I glanced over at Ryan pulling up his shirt revealing a set of abs and a farmer's tan. He blushed as I stared at him and quickly pulled on the shirt buttoning wrong. Cursing he tried again this time perfect, and tied his bow tie around his neck. I averted my eyes for both of our faces' sake as he changed his pants. Then he was done calling me to walk with me to the garage.

When we got through the massive maze of a house and into the garage he led me past the Mustang and to an old bug. I lifted an eyebrow and he looked at me shrugging, "The other car has your vomit in it, so unless you enjoy riding in a puke mobile then I suggest my Betsy here."

I raised an eyebrow, "Betsy?" he glared at me in return and I sighed and said, "Fine Betsy it is!" hopping over the passenger side door and straight into the car

"Hey," he warned opening his door and climbing in, "this was my first car you be nice to her."

I looked at him, "Funny I didn't know you were a caveman, but I swore your kind rode dinosaurs, well I suppose Betsy fits the bill."

He stopped in the middle of the driveway and turned to glare at me, "It's the best you could get for 500 dollars and I fixed her up nice too, she was in pieces when I got her. Now leave Betsy and I alone or so help me I will drag you behind her and if you don't die from her heavy exhaust then you will when I back up over you a few times." My eyes widened and I put up my hands in defeat plugging in my headphones.

As he pulled out of the driveway and started down the road, I asked him a question, "Mind if I borrow some headphones?" holding up my Iphone. He nodded pointing to the glove compartment and turned up his own radio playing this hits of the 80's, 90's, and today. I rolled my eyes plugging in the skull candy headphones I found in and pressing play on my the long voicemail from James.

_"What the fuck man," _the voice I still loved asked_, "what was that today? I mean I get your mad at me, but come on. Do you have any idea how much I missed you while you were gone?" '_Not enough to wait for me' my mind answered. _"I'm sorry I still lo- crap um I gotta go, just talk to me sometime okay? Hey Mattie! Yeah, I'm coming, just cleaning up!" _The line went dead and I sighed a tear rolling down my cheek.

"You need my shoulder again?" Ryan asked glancing over at me with a comforting smile.

I shook my head smiling, as we pulled up to the Palm Woods, "How did you know where I live?" I asked glancing over.

"Okay when I said I was a bit of a fan, I'm sort of addicted…" He sighed a visible sweat drop rolling down his forehead. I just giggle rolling my eyes at his cute quirkiness.

He got out in front of the Palm Woods and walked out opening my door and helping me out. He reached up wrapping an arm over my shoulder. "Listen kid this isn't going to be easy," he smiled and said, "but we can fucking do this."

I smirked following his lead as we walked through the automatic doors. I finally felt confident, this was who I was, I had finally found myself. Then all that vanished when James came into view. Ryan sensed this and gripped my shoulder in support and I once again felt invincible. James walked in front of us and glanced at me a worried look on his face. "Hey Kendall, um about earlier." He scuffed his foot on the ground repeatedly glancing at the honey blonde beside me.

"Don't worry about it; sorry about the message I just lost myself for a second." I said flashing him a smile and nodding at Ryan who was beginning to grin beside me.

"Who's this?" James asked raising an eyebrow and impolitely nodding at Ryan.

"Oh yeah, sorry man, I forgot, this is my…" I paused glancing over looking up and down, "my friend… I guess, right? That is what I would consider us. Yeah this is my friend Ryan. Ryan, James. James, Ryan."

James attempted to out charm the blue eyed blonde when shaking his hand, but was terribly defeated when Ryan smiled his perfect smiled and you could visibly see James's eyes melt along with his heart.

"Kendall, let's go." He muttered to me grabbing my arm and dragging me to the elevator. When we got in he immediately pressed the second floor button and closed the door before James managed to get in. "Good job Knight," he said smirking at me, "you're doing better than I-" he paused shaking his head.

I glanced at him and raised an eyebrow, but he just shook his head and continued to lead me out of the elevator and down the hall as if I didn't know where my own apartment was.

He knocked on my door and stepped to the side letting whoever was on the other side see my face. "LOGAN!" Carlos screamed from the other side, "KENDALLS AT THE DOOR WITH SOME GUY!" I rolled my eyes as I was expecting Logan was doing on the other side. The door opened suddenly and Carlos hugged me tightly his eyes lighting up. He just as quickly released me and looked Ryan up and down with squinted eyes.

"Hi I'm-" Ryan said reaching out his hand to shake Carlos's only to be punched in the face. Logan quickly rushed up and his eyes widened and he led the blonde to the kitchen.

Carlos followed me like a worried mother goose checking my whole body for bruises and scratches. "Mr. Jones I am so sorry about my boyfriend; he was just about to apologize," he said to which Carlos rolled his eyes, "RIGHT CARLOS?" Carlos rolled his eyes and mumbled an apology.

"Carlos this is the man I was telling you about who could help Kendall." He mumbled something about not thinking they had enough money just loud enough for me to hear.

Mom walked in rubbing her eyes and glancing around, "What's all the ruckus about?" she mumbled pulling a curler out of her hair. She looked up and saw Ryan; she blushed looking at us all with a "Why didn't you tell me there was an extremely sexy guy in our kitchen?" look.

Ryan stood up and walked over to my Mom and grabbed her hand shaking it, "Hello Ms. Knight," he said giving her his heart melting smile. "My name is Ryan P. Jones and I will be proving the asshole who raped your son guilty."

_**A/N: Sorry this took so long I have a million excuses, I like Kenlos and Kogan now etc but um I won't use those. Basically um I have decided to finish this once and for all. So my goal for you all is if I get at least 5 reviews a chapter I will have the next one up that Wednesday. If not then it will still be up on Sunday, but if I get 5 reviews you get two ERDT (Every Rose has a Diamond Thorn) a week. So yeah… And to make up for my absence I'm going to have a bit of a contest. The prize is either a 15 or whatever is closest dollar gift card for itunes or a free request for a story of any pairing and any type of thing from kink to fluff. And all you have to do is review and guess my hair color. First person to get it right gets a gift card or any idea as long as it can be done in under 5 chapter second: no gift card, but anything under 3 chapters and third any one shot. Yeah so um review rate enjoy:) (oh and btw i had been updating this by rewriting chapters, but i just realised fanfiction doesnt count that as an update)  
**_


	10. Stay and Be My Anchor

**Stay and Be My Anchor**

**xXx**

_And honestly, I have been begging for answers _

_That you and only you can give to me _

_A voice crying loud _

_I've been crying for days now _

_And as I start to run, I stop to breathe_

**XxX**

The next morning I awoke, but with another smile gracing my once saddened face. I glanced over at the empty bed to my side that had once caused immense sadness. This time though I just rolled my eyes a smile on my face, as I recalled the night before. It had been perfect filled with laughing, a few movies, and a new born... Me. I was no longer going to be held back, I was going to be my own boat to lead myself on adventures. Ryan had left later on with a smile and promises to contact my mom and I sometime today. A little tingle raced across my face as I remember where he kissed me on the cheek and promised that we could get back my man. Secret was, I think I was finally ready to let go of James; if he was happy with someone who could cause me so much trouble, so be it. In honesty though I knew I needed to do something, but what I didn't know and on the inside I still questioned if this was some bizarre dream. Had I really never woken up? Is this what heaven was, no it couldn't be, hell perhaps? These thoughts hummed enthusiastically in my mind vibrating my heart till it was beating at a million miles per hour.

Realizing then that I had been lying in bed for ten minutes just smiling like a cheeky bastard, I shook my head walking out with the same smile, not bothering to change out of my blue plaid boxers and white wife-beater. As I walked out with a old Kendall type of smile, I ignored the glances at me and whispers of gossip among my friends and family whether about the attire of clothing or smile I was not sure, but both ways I didn't care I was rocking it. I walked up to the bar and sat on a stool next to Carlos. He looked over at me smirking giving me a two over and laughed punching me lightly in the shoulder. I laughed mentioning something about lifting weights which he flexed his muscles to eagerly. Mom didn't notice me until she turned around, obviously surprised I was awake before noon and even more so that I was going to eat. She smiled, glancing over at Logan who just shrugged and went back to reading, "Hey honeybun, what are you doing up so... early?" she said trying to avoid any subjects that she felt might send me back to my previous states.

I leaned in kissing her cheek and smiled, "When am I not up for some good old fashion home made breakfast." I sat back down pursing my lips hoping that no one would actually answer that, but perhaps, in a way, wished they would. I was tired of being the elephant in the room and was determined to make everybody recognize that.

Mom just smiled shaking her head slightly as she turned around and started cooking whatever it was she was preparing before. Carlos glanced over at me and squinted slightly trying to decipher whether it was an illusion of a smile on my face and as soon as he turned away it would fall back into a frown. I just held his stare a grin still planted between my cheeks and he returned it and went back to "nomming" on the food in front of him. Finally as quickly as she went back to work my mother was finished setting a plate of eggs and bacon, my favorite. I ate it savoring in the flavors I had missed, but all too soon it was gone.

I then stood walking toward the door ready to face my biggest fears that may lie waiting on the other side. Katie stopped me though and I looked at her confused as she looked at me with a single eyebrow raised in return. "I forgot to put on pants didn't I?" She pursed her lips and nodded and I trudged back into my room to change into a pair of sweat pants along with some random shirt that just happened to be clean. The day was off to a slow start, but I wasn't going to let that slow me down. I glanced at myself in a full length mirror and noted how my skinny jeans were baggy and my shirt was basically swallowing me. '_I should go for a jog' _is the thought this lead to and I complied walking out the door after calling out my goodbyes.

The elevator seemed to move slower than usual and I noted this as I leaned back against the wall letting my head bob in and out of thought. Then as my fingers crawled inside my pocket I felt something that was in business card material. Then I remembered that nurse that had come into my room one day and handed me it. I decided to take use of this time and dialed the number into my phone. The voice that answered was not the one that I expected, "What's up Ken Doll!" Emily's voice sang in my ear. "I was worried about you man, thought I'd never be able to thank you for the fact that," she paused before screaming at the top of her lungs into my ear, "TIFFANY FUCKING ASKED ME OUT BITCH! BOOYAH!"

I chuckled slightly and shook my head and gave her my blessing before asking, "Wait, so that was you that day in the hospital?" I remembered that day clearly, that girl who walked in and gave me that card and told me she knew what happened. The truth, not the lies that were force fed to me by my friends and family.

She laughed nervously and audibly nodded, as I walked out of the elevator to the pool area, luckily it was basically empty besides for the few child prodigies playing and Jennifers relaxing while they tanned. "Yeah, that was me," She inhaled sucking away my calm and replacing it with uneasy excitement, "there's something I need to tell you."

I paused a second waiting for her to explain, but when I got nothing I asked, "Well what is it?" I counted the possibilities in my mind trying to keep it cool as each one I thought of caused me to hyperventilate a little more.

"My name is, well, my full name is, Emilia Isabella," she paused and I could literally hear her gears turning as she decided whether or not to share her last name with me, "De Rosa." I paused and felt as if the oxygen once in the cavities of my lungs now sprinted out to see which could suffocate me fastest.

"You, your related to _it." _I sneered the last word sounding harsher than I meant to which was obviously received as so from the other side as Raven almost hissed in agitation in return.

"Yes I am related to _it," _she sneered back in a voice almost a whisper, "but I know who he is even if my parents won't believe it. Trust me. Whatever you have been through, I have gone through worse." Before I could protest she continued, "Imagine that day, but every day of your life from the age of six until you finally turned eighteen." I cringed and felt the shivers racing up my spine for reasons I still didn't know.

"I want to help, but in order to do so you have to trust me." She mumbled into her phone which echoed from a voice behind me. I turned around and saw Emily standing there nodding at me with a slight smirk on her face as if she already knew what I was going to say.

"Fine, at least I know you aren't going to touch me." I said attempting a joke which obviously worked as she laughed back with a bright smile. She reached out that hand with the blue tattoo star and shook my own.

"By the way," she whispered into my ear as she was turning away, "James isn't as bad as you think, he is the victim here too. Trust me, I swear to the god that may or may not exist in my books that you shouldn't give up on him. Even if it appears he gave up on you." With out waiting for my plethora of questions she turned and began her way back to the cover of the Palm Woods.

I shook my head slightly and began to laugh at the way lives were so intertwined in my life. You know when they say, every person in the world is connected by seven people or less, maybe they are right. The world seems so big, but when you look in this town of Los Angeles you realize it really is so small.

I decided now was as good as ever to start my jog and stood, quickly walking past the pool, for once obeying the "Don't run" big red words on the signs all over. I hated whoever was clumsy enough to actually get hurt and was stupid enough as well to sue; not only causing drama for everyone, but making it impossible to travel quickly by the pool without being harassed by lifeguards.

I was almost out the front gates of the Palm Woods when a voice started shouting behind me. "Hey wait up!" I turned around and saw James waving his arms. I slowed down, not because of him, but because I was curious and Emily's words echoed in my mind. "Hey," He smiled slightly along with his eyes in relief, "I just thought maybe we could catch up?" _'Yeah I've been in the hospital, dying, what about you?" _my mind replied and I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying no, but I did and tried to keep an open mind, nodding.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked and again I nodded again, no duh he could join me, I wouldn't of nodded had he not been allowed. I felt my self ridiculing him in irritation; when you hate someone all the flaws you once brushed off become apparent and that was obvious, as we picked up pace together.

We ran for silence for what seemed like ages before stopping simultaneously stopping right in front of the old pizza parlor we all used to go to when we first moved here. I started walking forward and James followed me in as I opened the glass door stamped with the embarrassing name of, "Pizza Pizzas." I smiled as I let our server seat us in the back near the arcade. Which made chuckle slightly as it was Carlos's favorite spot since it was near the arcade and James's because it was near the bathroom where the mirrors were located. Thinking back we are a very stereotypical, almost as if we were walking fools. We had the "Face", the "Cool one", the "Smart one", and the "Fearless Leader". How un true each turned out to be. The "Face" now looked like hell, the "Cool one" was losing his cool, the "Smart one" letting his studies fall, and the "Fearless Leader" the worst of them all, he was falling apart. I was determined to fix this; I owed it to my friends, I owed it to my family, but most of all I owed it to myself.

I jumped in surprise as a drink was set in front of me and I whispered a quick thank you to the waitress before glancing up at James with a curious expression. "You still like Mountain Dew right?" I nodded almost blushing at the fact he remembered that, but quickly shaking myself out of it.

I sipped in silence for a little bit thinking of what to say when a child jumping up and down in the arcade yelling "I WON MOMMY!" I laughed and looked over at James, "Remember that time Carlos," he was already laughing and joined in with me, "almost broke the machine 'cause it wasn't giving him his tickets?" We both started to laugh and I smiled at him genuinely this time.

He chuckled slightly and nodded, "Yeah, but really you just hid the tickets from him," he paused a flashback obviously lingering around the corners of his eyes, "We had to pay for the game and Gustavo was so mad."

"I can't believe you remembered that." I whispered as I circled the straw in my drink with my fingers. That was at least three years ago and had almost slipped my mind as well, but still he remembered.

"I remember everything about you." He whispered and a tear rolled gently out of his hazel eyes. It confused me, how could he care about me after abandoning me in my greatest time of need.

I shook my head away from the though and smiled, "Yeah, same, I remember stuff about you too."

"Ready to order?" The hefty ginger waitress asked with a forced smile, obviously having worked too many long hours. Everything was in Italian so I shrugged pointing at a picture and she looked at me as if I was dumb, but sighed and wrote down my order like the good little waitress she was.

We began to talk about everything as if we were meeting again for the first time and slowly my walls melted like ice under hazel eyes of sun. When the pizza came I was no longer hungry and realized I had filled my hole in my stomach with breadsticks and James's words.

"Hey," he whispered, "you wanna?" I nodded instantly reading his mind and we stood leaving ten dollars on the table, grabbing the pizza, already boxed, and heading back out the door reversely stamped from before.

Just as we stepped out it began to rain and James sighed, "Great, my hair." I chuckled enjoying the fact that all of the James I had come to love hadn't disappeared. I looked over by the door and noticed a single umbrella propped against the wall. Being mischievous I grabbed it from whoever it belonged to, though secretly hoping it was the stupid waitress's. I opened it and held my arm up allowing James to duck under with me as we sideways crawled to the bus stop a few feet over.

When under the protection I sighed with relief sitting down on the bench covered by glass. James sat next to me and I put my head on his shoulder and inhaled that Cuda scent I had missed so much. "Listen Kendall," he whispered, standing, pulling me up with him, "I have something I want to tell you." I nodded and he leaned in close his breath dancing up and down my cheek in excitement.

"Yeah?" I whispered feeling his eyelashes planting a million butterfly kisses on my forehead.

"I love you," he smiled and pressed his forehead against mine, "not as a friend, or a brother, but as a-" he leaned in more his breath now going directly into my own, a sense of euphoria rushing over me. Just as he was about to kiss me, I hope he was anyways or else I would of kissed him, his phone rang. He cursed under his breath and answered it, "I'm so sorry, yeah I'll be right there, don't freak out." panic struck his eyes and he began to shake in front of me. He hung up then, another tear rolling down his face. "I gotta go sorry." and he ran into the rain, ignoring his hair, and leaving me with a soggy pizza and soggy dreams.

I realized then I was being held back, for if I was a boat then James was my anchor and that was just fucking great. So, I picked up my phone and dialed the number I had earlier that day and gathered my confidence to use the first words that came out, "Tell me everything."

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**A/N: Hehe I'm on time barely... Barely being like 11:44 PM hehe. Thanks to **ImprecantesStellam, Seliiia, Kendallsgirl12, **and** Fangirlish **for reviews and everyone else for the alerts and faves etc. I hope you had a great holiday and have many more to come. Keep in mind there are few things free in life and a review is one of those. So share the love and review :D**


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